Kamen Rider Taisen featuring Boredom and Confusion

I don't want to recap this movie. Not because it's bad (actually, I think it kind of is, but 100 Years After was worse), but because talking about this movie will basically reveal how little of the Kamen Rider franchise I actually know. As an Asian child to immigrant parents, I didn't exactly have assloads of spare time as a kid, and most of the things I follow currently I started in late high school, which is a BAD time to start becoming a fan of anything. It's kinda deflating to see people having discussions about which Rider suits looked the coolest, bitching about Kamen Rider Decade or the Chou Den-O movies, or debating whether the Showa or Heisei Riders were more badass, while I have to frantically try to catch up in addition to school work. Fortunately, from what I've seen, the fandom seems friendly enough, though I suspect that's partly because the Toku fandom in general is nowhere near big enough to have a huge supply of bigoted vocal minorities.

Anyway, now that I've gotten confession time out of the way, this is Heisei Rider vs. Showa Rider: Kamen Rider Taisen feat. Super Sentai, a movie in which the titular showdown is shoehorned into the last three minutes, and barely features that other franchise that a couple of people may have heard of. After years yelling at each other about how the Showa Riders did actual stunt work with no CGI, or how the Heisei Rider attacks look way cooler, finally the fans get a movie which answers all of their questions about who would win in a fight.

Actually, no it fucking doesn't! What it does do is meander around, trying to tie up loose ends from previous series, and piss all over the legacy of the Showa Riders, without which the Heisei Riders would never have even existed! And I haven't even watched most of the Showa era! Or the Hesei era! How do you try to make a movie to pay tribute to a long-running massively popular franchise, and piss off a relative newcomer like me? That's a pretty big crime for any anniversary movie.

Michael Bay's version of a small campfire.

So the movie begins with a photo of Zawame City with some stop explosions photoshopped in. Suddenly, Kamen Rider Kabuto is knocked into a building via the power of CGI. After casting off his shell, he hops down to fight Kamen Rider Stronger, who he incapitates by stopping time or something. If only I had actually seen Kamen Rider Kabuto, I'd know what that was, but either way it was pretty cheap.

Stronger follows up with Electro Fire, which is able to instantly electrocute Kabuto, despite him using the classic motion blur attack. When Stronger tries to Stronger Elec Kick Kabuto, the latter uses Clock Up Rider Kick to stop time again and kick him, causing Stronger to explode. Because Kamen Rider. After his short victory, however, Kamen Rider Skyrider comes flying in and shooting.

Skyrider's blasted off again!

One Sky Flying Saucer later, Kamen Rider Fourze is also in the sky, ready to awkwardly fly around and sorta slam into Skyrider several times before he decides to finally explode, too. Again, after a short victory, Fourze gets swatted by Kamen Rider J, a friggin' giant who feels more at home in Ultraman. Fourze tries his luck with the big guy, only to get derailed in another freaking explosion. Geez, I can't wait till the day the Mythbusters start investigating this franchise. 

Either way, Fourze gets converted into a Lock Seed, which is somehow collected by a guy cosplaying as a mix between Darth Vader and an Egyptian sphinx. He's there to laugh his ass off for like 30 seconds. Seriously. I fail to see much of the humor in acquiring a Lock Seed, but humor is subjective.

Back when the Shredder was less experienced at costume making.

Kouta Kazuraba is watching all this from the top of a building, declaring that the Heisei Riders will have to beat the Showa Riders if they will not help. He transforms into Kamen Rider Gaim, complete with a 360 degree revolving shot to display Kouta's attractive backside. He starts building jumping to avoid J's giant strokes that look like he's trying to wrap his little cousin in an armlock. It looks kinda like an iPhone game demo, except with the mandatory random explosions all over the place. Finally, Kouta runs up J's arm and switched to Watermelon Arms, and proceeds to kick J's ass, leading directly into the title screen.

Isn't taking things out of context fun?

Cut back to one week ago, when all was peaceful in Zawame, except for, you know, Overlords trying to take over the world and everything. But who cares about the end of the world when we have important petty disputes to settle? At a construction site, or mining site, or whatever, it's not like anyone is really doing anything useful anyway, a rumbling occurs, with lots of CGI raining down on the workers. A rip forms, and a giant hand comes out and drags two of the workers with it. Sorry, no Super Smash Bros. reference.

More juvenile middle school humor!

Back at that place where team Gaim always hangs out, Mai Takatsukasa is reading about the incident, and how it is rumored that there is another world inside the one we live in, possibly populated with monsters. She mentions to Kouta that since the media isn't reporting this, the only source of information on this rumor is the internet. That seriously undermines the credibility of the rumor. Kouta goes to check and see if the Big Bad Corporation Yggdrasil is somehow involved.

"Take the job," they said. " "It's fulfilling in creative ways," they said.

Kouta and Mai explore the Yggadrasil building, but get lost. Fortunately, they wandered right where the plot needed them to go, because another crack appears, and the two fall in. The two look up to the sky after landing to see that the earth comprises the sky where they are, and they conclude that there really is another world inside the Earth. Then why the hell would they see the OUTSIDE of the earth if they are INSIDE it? Shouldn't they just see the Earth's crust?

They fell into the Doctor Who opening!

Shortly after, the two see a little kid, who sees them and runs away. Kouta gives chase, but can't catch the kid as he has the power to rip holes in places, which he does to a flight of stairs to avoid Kouta. Mai ends up trapping the kid, who apparently has never heard of the concept of running around somebody. Kouta tells him that they are on his side, and he just nods. And that's that. So the only reason to chase the kid at all is to provide exposition for his powers. Yay.

I thought we understood each other, wall!

The boy, Shu, mentions that he has to use his powers for something, but doesn't know what it is. He also reveals that he has slight amnesia, and so can't remember his parents or who was chasing him earlier. Well, whoever it was, I'm sure he would say something like, "We're on your side," too. Kouta suggests trying to go back the way they came, which seems a little hard to me, considering they fell a rather large distance. Meanwhile, Tsukasa Kadoya is off in the distance, watching, with a camera which will never be seen again for the rest of this movie.

I would pay money to see Japanese Spider-man get a reboot.

But they do manage to get back up to the real world... somehow. Never explained. Moving on. Soon after their return, a voice tells them that they will not take Shu. And who else does this voice belong to than the original Kamen Rider Ichigo himself, Takeshi Hongo, in his first on-screen suitless appearance since All Together! Seven Kamen Riders! 38 years ago! Naturally, he's put on a few pounds since then, but he still looks badass.

He's so awesome, the ground he walks on steams up!

Hongo lets Kouta know that he is aware of his identity as Kamen Rider Gaim, but cannot recognize a novice like him as a true Rider. Obviously, Hongo has only seen like the first five episodes of the Kamen Rider Gaim, because if he got a little further then he would realize that Kouta is one of the most selfless and compassionate people on the planet. Some mooks who were apparently chasing Shu earlier advance the four of them, but Hongo jumps down and starts mowing their asses down. And then, at long last...

Even as the actors get older, the stuntmen stay forever young.

Followed immediately by classic Showa-style fighting, with no fancy CGI, no multiple forms to switch to, just balls to the walls punches and kicks. And it is glorious. The only real update is the famous Rider Kick, which has been updated with a CGI explosion, but that's easily forgiven.

Outside, Kouta is kinda pissed at Hongo for dissing his abilities. Shu tells him that Kamen Rider is a hero who fights for justice, but he does not know what he has to do with anything. Mai tries to get him to remember by making him draw the first place that comes into his mind. If it were me, it would probably be in front my computer, watching Kamen Rider... oh, wait.

Lisa Simpson?

Kouta asks if what Shu drew is Yggdrasil Tower, but it isn't (which can be seen by directly looking at the damn thing). So Kouta asks if it's a different tower. Because that picture Shu drew just screams "tower", doesn't it? After seeing another crack appear, Kouta and co. go to investigate. An extended scene of people being tossed around by mooks ensues, led by two guys in costumes that their macabre-obsessed mothers made for them.

Yes, listen to the tiger who can't close his mouth.

These guys identify as being a part of the underground empire, Badan, and go after Shu. As one of the two Badan members tries scattering arrows at people, Kouta transforms into Kamen Rider Gaim, and effortlessly knocks the arrows aside (and they promptly explode upon landing. Surprise?). He goes to kick mook ass, along with Shu, who uses his power to turn the mooks inside out (gross!)

But it's not human guts being spilled, so it's A-okay!

Gaim continues to fight bad guys, but more and more show up and gang up on him, leaving him outnumbered. Kaito Kumon is watching from above (he just happened to be there), and transforms into Kamen Rider Baron, and jumps down to help. Mitzusane and Takatora Kureshima also just happened to be there, discussing brotherly things I guess, and they also turn into Kamen Riders Ryugen and Zangetsu, respectively. After some regular fighting, most of which can't even be seen because of the cameraman frantically circling around trying to get everything, a strange mousy dude comes along and transforms into Kamen Rider Fifteen.

Dammit, little brother's been playing with Photoshop again!

So Gaim and Fifteen fight some, before Zangetsu takes over for Gaim. Fifteen switches over to his Wizard Lock Seed, which he uses to fell Zangetsu. Not sure why Kamen Rider's Wizard's powers are so strong, but okay. Gaim switches to his Jinba Lemon form, and the fight is on more even grounds. I see, this is a "switching forms = power up" sort of thing. Anyway, Kamen Riders Ichigo, Nigo, and X join in the fight with what looks disturbingly like a Kalish-splosion, telling Gaim that he still does not understand the Rider's Way/ What, you mean stabbing your potential teammates in the back and discouraging beginners from realizing their potential? How about explaining what the Rider's Way is and helping Kouta to become a better person, rather than be pretentious douchebags? See the main problem I have with this movie?

That punch gave my computer cancer!

While the Showa Riders proceed to kick Skull Guy's ass, Gaim sees Open-Mouthed Tiger Guy closing in on Mai and Shu, and tries to help them. However, Tiger Guy shoots at them all with his vague Villain Blast powers, but not before Shu opens up the Earth and the trio jumps in. Here, Shu reveals that if he uses his power too much, he gets tired.

So Kouta and Mai take him to the fruit parlor where they always hang out, where Tsukasa Kadoya is waiting. The subsequent conversation between him and Kouta boils down to "Let's do stuff and plot will happen!" I haven't seen Kamen Rider Decade, but I know of its rather... controversial reputation, which makes me wonder if all of that series was like this.

Fool! Only Mike Nelson can lay claim to that title!

Narutaki is revealed to be listening in in a small form. From what I understand, he's this mysterious guy from Kamen Rider Decade who goes around preaching about how shitty Tsukasa is and how he should stop existing. Whatever, I'll find out when I actually get down to watching Decade, because his presence here is pretty pointless, other than to provide the necessary exposition that Badan is evil (Whoa!). Oh, and Badan is apparently a spin-off of Shocker, the evil organization from the original Kamen Rider. Because continuity.

Image not taken from Sengoku Battle Royale.

Narutaki explains that Tsukasa must gather together all 15 Heisei Riders (Ha, that's cute: Narutaki thinks there are only 15 Heisei Riders). When asked why only the Heisei Riders, and no the Showa, Narutaki just says that the reason will become clear once he "gets to the heart of the matter". Spoiler-alert: the pay-off for that quote is stupid.

But I'm really concerned about the nameless extra on the left.

Right after, Kouta asks Tsukasa what the difference between "Showa" and "Heisei" is. Oh, Kouta, obviously you never paid attention in your history classes at school. See, the Showa period (1926-1989), AKA "period of enlightened peace" (yeah, right) was an era in Japanese history in which Emperor Hirohito ruled. After 1989, Hirohito passed away and his son, Akihito, succeeded the throne, starting the Heisei period. It's not that hard to explain. But Tsukasa just responds with,"You don't need to know." And just why the fuck not? Wouldn't explaining make Kouta more understanding of the Showa Riders' feelings, as bigoted as they are? But why create genuine conflict when you can generate false animosity?

Ten points if he eats that strawberry like Kaylee from Firefly.

Tsukasa tells Kouta not to worry, and that he will gather the Heisei Riders. Kaito suddenly comes out from hiding, saying he will join him, to get more power. Was Kaito just hangin right outside the fruit parlor the whole time? Must have been awkward with everyone else wondering what the hell he was doing leaning on the door, staring intently into the place. 

Anyway, the first person Tsukasa tries to get a hold of is private detective Shotaro Hidori, AKA Kamen Rider Double. Their interaction involves a delightful scene in which Shotaro claims to busy with big cases, which turn out to all be looking for lost pets. Tsukasa leaves Kaito to search for a lost turtle for Shotaro, which the latter agrees to to prove that his work isn't as easy as it sounds. That's right, Kaito, arguably the most popular character in Kamen Rider Gaim, left to endure forced slapstick for the rest of the movie! How is this supposed to celebrate the franchise again?

The non-Photoshopped version of a leaked celebrity photo.

Next, Tsukasa goes after Takumi Inui, AKA Kamen Rider Faiz. Needless to say, he refuses to help, because he's too busy "making laundry sparkling white". Maybe I'd understand more if I watched Kamen Rider Faiz. Damn, I'm really feeling uninformed here. Soon after his refusal, however,Takumi is interrupted on his motorcycle rider by Porcupineroid (the mohawk skull guy) and his open-mouthed tiger friends, claiming their intention to eliminate all the Kamen Riders. Before they can attack, though, Tsukasa comes up, and transforms into Kamen Rider Decade, ready to kick ass and eat strawberries. And there are no strawberries in this scene.

While Decade is fighting, Takumi has a brief flashback of his own crime-fighting days. Fifteen eventually comes and wails on Decade, asking where Shu is.. However, Decade uses his Invisibility ability to avoid Fifteen's next strike. One, that's not how invisibility works. Two, hooray for cheap Heisei Rider powers! Meanwhile, with Kaito...

Kaito wants a hug!

...not much really happens. Cut to a ramen shop, where Takumi is eating. I imagine it would be kinda awkward to cut back to Fifteen and the others, just kinda standing around and clumsily retreating after not killing Decade. Anyway, some random mugger guy breaks in and takes a girl hostage, asying that he will blow her brains out if the customers don't shield him from the view of the authorities. And if they don't? Then the cops will catch you anyway, plus you'll also be charged with murder! Maybe you should have thought this through before carrying on.

As a college student, this is the most relatable screenshot to me.

As the police surrounds the place, the mugger begins to despair, but Dr. Keisuke Jin (Kamen Rider X) comes up to him and offers to treat his wounds. In a REALLY badass scene, the police make their move, and Dr. Jin just mows through them, saying that he promised that no harm would come to the mugger, and he will keep that promise. It's probably one of the few times a Showa Rider is presented in any dignified light, and it's wonderfully executed. While treating the man's wounds, Dr. Jin delivers an astounding speech about how adults should protect more than anything else the youth of the next generation. It's too bad he will not hold up these ideals for the rest of the movie.

I don't have enough dip for my chips, but if I open up another dip I'll have too much dip for my chips!

So Dr. Jin and his assistant, Mari, return to his home, while Takumi follows. While there, some guys drive over with a drunk guy, Masa, asking Jin to treat him. So, with Takumi's help, Jin removes the glass stuck in Masa while Takumi watches. The thing about these scenes with Takumi and Dr. Jin is that they are really, REALLY good. So good, that they really feel out of place in what is otherwise an unremarkable movie. It's moving to see someone like Dr. Jin being so selfless and assured, and to see the subtle but growing influence it is clearly having on a lost soul like Takumi.

Because poor literacy is usually caused by time constraint and pressure when doing a fansub.

When washing the blood off his hands, Takumi has another flashback to his earlier days as Kamen Rider Faiz. Right after, he has a great conversation with Dr. Jin about how it feels to save people and why Takumi feels so lost in his life. The dramatic effect is slightly underwhelmed by a lightning strike that happens right when the armor-piercing question, "Why are you hesitating?" is asked, but that's a nitpick.

Finally, Takumi's full flashback is revealed. During a fight with a monster, Takumi's friend Masato Kusaka (Kamen Rider Kaixa), gets his ass fried. His last words before crumbling to dust are, "Why does someone as hollow as you with nothing to protect get to livee... Why do I have to die?" Once again, this flashback scene knocks it out of the ballpark, giving a legitimate reason for Takumi to be the way he is, and even making me want to watch Kamen Rider Faiz more. Again, keep in mind that this is being recapped from the perspective of someone who has not seen that show, and I've heard that some events in this movie contradict some stuff that happened in the show, so I apologize for my ignorance.

If he was a Showa Rider, that blue stuff would be actual fire,
and he'd have more facial expressions than "constipation".

After Takumi relays his story to Dr. Jin, he asks for advice on what to do, to which Jin responds simply by saying that that's something only Takumi can think about, but if he truly is lost, he can watch the sea, because "the sea takes in all sorts". Yet another scene that makes me wish the entire movie was about Takumi hanging out with Keisuke Jin. I can't even really find anything to joke about, except maybe, "The sea even takes in hookers and murderers!" but I'll save you the trouble of that lame, lame quip. Back to the plot! And, by plot, I mean dinner, as Mari announces that the evening meal is ready.

Next time: Takumi and Keisuke eat dinner together, Takumi bitches about his problems, and Dr. Jin mentors him and helps him to cope with his loss and find his identity! At least, that would be what happens next if this was a better movie. Instead, more boring pointless shit with Shu, Badan, and Kamen Rider Fifteen! Stay tuned!