The Domination Part 3: The Godfrey Complex

Last time: JAMES HONG!!!

And now, the conclusion.

Just looking at the fine scenery before moving on with the film.

So Billy is driving off into Glendale Memorial Park. Well, I guess "park" is a less harsh term for "cemetery". He finds a ninja star in Christie's van. So ninjas can drop these things. You learn something new every day. A funeral is going on, with a little fake crying, and very bored-looking police officers. Finally, after what feels like hours, Evil Christie Dude makes her move. With a Toys R Us bow and arrow. Cue another lame action scene that looks it was shot in two different locations.

The police, as alert and attentive as ever.

Two cops try to look for Christie Dude on motorcycles, but she drops in from her hiding place in the trees and kicks them. I shouldn't have to tell at this point that I really mean taps them with her feet lightly. A car immediately follows, with another cop shooting at her repeatedly. Someone should inform him that shooting bullets is probably a tad more effective than blanks. After she jumps on the roof of the car and dispatches the pesky gun guy, the police officers turn to... batons? Because they'll hurt more, I guess.

Quick, call the fire department! There's a ninja stuck in a tree!

The batons are about as effective as you would expect, given that the police adhere strictly to the "attack using one person at a time" philosophy so common in these sorts of movies. Hilariously, a cop destroys a gravestone instead of Christie using his baton in his fight with her. I feel sorry for whoever is in that grave. And for that matter, everyone in this cemetery, as I don't see a single flower anywhere near here. There's also this guy who looks like he's about to attack Christie, and then the scene cuts to her taking down the guys already on her, and THEN it cuts back to her taking on the guy from before. Never break the one-at-a-time rule, people!

You have to wonder if Sam Firstenberg knows what actual gravestones are made of.

Finally, the police wisely decide that hand-to-hand combat is not such a good idea, and start shooting again as Christie climbs up a tree. Slowly. With no protection whatsoever. And not a single shot actually connects with its target. I'm surprised that the crime rate in this town is never mentioned to be exceedingly high.

Replace the camera with a Super 8, and the filming process looks much more suspicious.

After jumping to the other side of the trees, Christie finally meets up with the movie's real star, Sho Kosugi. She escapes by using a smoke bomb, and just running away. I guess only a ninja can make a ninja lose her teleporting powers. Both jump over a fence, the movie goes to an abandoned building.

There really needs to be Ninja Olympics.

Christie starts by stabbing her sword through the woodwork, but Sho is prepared. After kicking down some wooden boards (which were there for no reason, other than to make Sho look cool), Sho enters the building, ready to kick ass and chew bubble gum. After spotting Christie, Sho pursues, only to be thrown off by the shit Christie keeps throwing down the stairs. Because ninjas were known for making noise and causing massive collateral damage when fighting.

Because why would a construction worker want to conveniently enter the building?

On the next floor, Sho looks around for Christie, who is hanging out on the ceiling. Surprisingly, she does not use her classic tactic of dropping down and lightly tapping Sho on the shoulder with her foot, but rather setting foot on the floor and kicking him, sending him down a few floors. So Sho has to go up more stairs, and Christie just keeps the wooden shit coming.

Finally, after deciding that stuff falling down stairs really doesn't make for that exciting a fight scene, Sho jumps up through the ceiling into the floor Christie is on. After some awkward dancing trying to pass as fighting, Sho finally unmasks Christie, revealing her identity.

And she could have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for meddling ninjas.

Upon seeing Christie, Sho allows her to exit the building via window, while Sho himself gets arrested. Seacourt just happens to be there, obviously not on duty, because otherwise he'd be in uniform, and probably dead as well. Billy talks to Sho, who says, "I was waiting for you!" Billy asks if Sho knows him, and he dodges the question entirely, in the process drilling a plot hole so huge you could make an Olympic swimming pool out of it. This is what happens when you have the main characters not meet each other until the movie is three-fourths done!

The sign is symbolic of the ninja's destiny.

Sho tells Billy that he's a ninja, and that he must bring Christie to the old temple on the hill, where he can get rid of the evil ninja spirit. When the car is driving to the police station, Sho pretends to cough to remove a dart from his eyepatch. You know the drill, the police officers are soon dispatched. The last one is particularly hilarious; he looks like Sho kicking him turned off his brain like a computer.

The age-old police practice of sleeping in 30-second shifts.

Billy goes back to Christie's place, the only set Sam Firstenberg could shoot at for more than 30 seconds without being evicted. He prepares to shoot Christie, as she has killed all of his colleagues, and he "saw everything". Even though he wasn't actually there for any of the death scenes or action scenes. So he's just talking out of his ass, as usual. Next, he holds a pair of handcuffs and tells Christie to put her hands out in front of her. Ah, taking movie clips out of context, my favorite hobby. Christie obliges, saying, "I love you!" Yeah, this movie is still trying to convince us that these two belong together. I think I had more chemistry with my grandma. As it's revealed through flashback, Seacourt was one of the cops in the opening action scene (he actually wasn't, but hey, this movie has been making up Ninja Dude's memories this whole time). Cue...

The first ninja in the Ministry of Silly Walks.
(Fall Ass Backward Shot Count: 5)

So, Christie finally snaps and does what she should have done this entire goddamn movie, and kicks Billy's ass. She's about to kill him with the sword, but hesitates at the last stroke. Goddammit, Christie! Has Billy's brainwashing really let you ignore your ninja instincts this much? What follows is a car chase so exciting, there's no other cars on the road. And the only crash is Billy crashing into a sign. And by crash, I mean he lightly taps into it, which somehow disables his car. Legendary stuff.

She ignored a stop sign. She must be stopped!

Sho Kosugi returns to the temple on the hill, where extras for the latest Steven Seagal movie are being trained. I wonder where he dumped off those sleeping cops. Sho tells the extras to clear, and they do so. Christie follows soon afterward, somehow now dressed in Ninja Dude's clothes. I'm laughing my ass off imagining her putting on them on Mr. Bean style as she was driving through the streets. Christie kneels before the corpse of Ninja Dude, ready to face her opponent.

Would it have killed this temple to get some lights? Or at least some more windows?

Sho tells Christie that if Ninja Dude's spirit leaves her body and returns to his own, then he can kill him without harming her. And if it doesn't... well, it probably will, seeing as the audience cares so much about Christie and her touching relationship with her abusive boyfriend. Finally, we get to the fight scene that this movie has been building up to, with actual choreography and actual stunt work. Sho Kosugi really must have enjoyed all those days off when Sam Firstenberg was clearly winging it. Shortly after the fight starts, however, Ninja Dude's spirit leaves, and returns to his body. Nice job holding out the suspense, movie.

This was one of Jack Skellington's less memorable Halloweens.

Finally, the real final battle starts, and at several points it really seems like the swords are just props, because the choreography really does a pretty shit job making them seem like they would have any real impact beyond bouncing off of someone's skin. But hey, actual fighting, I'll take what I can get.

After yet another short bout, Ninja Dude brainwashes the other temple members to try and gang up on Sho. Exactly what they were doing before is beyond me. Were they just watching because only a ninja can destroy a ninja? If so, what would brainwashing them do except pad out the film a little longer? Wait, I think I just answered my own question.

The temple is introduced to Nickelback.

The first wave of bad guys go down largely with Sho blocking their spears and then kicking them. And it actually looks convincing for a change. Eventually he gets weapons of his own, and proceeds to wave them around while the camera tries its hardest not to capture the impact. Some more guys try to follow Sho up the mystical Net of Worshipping (whatever religion that's for), only to get smoked, literally. From the start of the fight to here, all this probably takes like five minutes. I can't imagine Sho Kosugi was very happy when Sam Firstenberg decided to film every action scene over the course of a lunch break.

It's like Super Mario World, but with ninjas.

As the battle is taken outside, Billy comes in and unmasks Christie. She asks, "Billy?" which seems to tip him off that she is back to normal. Although if she really were completely normal, she'd kick Billy in the balls and leave immediately. Instead, they just hug and tell each other, "I love you!" Ugh.

Good thing he saved her.

Outside, Ninja Dude is throwing harmless blank grenades at Sho, who reacts by kinda stumbling around. But he soon runs out or something, because FINALLY we get to the climactic sword battle. It starts with brief bouts of sword clashing, followed by Sho chasing Ninja Dude up to the top. Because Ninja Dude knows that you can only have a climactic fight scene on the bare top of a mountain.

The scene is literally exploding with excitement.

Finally, at the top, the fight scene really begins. Meanwhile, Billy and Christie are at the bottom, still convinced that they still need to be in the movie. Soon, Ninja Dude slashes Sho's sword off into the distance, to be chewed on by squirrels. After several seconds of Ninja Dude raising his sword and NOT killing Sho, Sho just decides to be proactive and punches the Dude in the gut. Followed by an elbow to the face. It's painfully obvious that Sho Kosugi is a much better martial artist than whoever Ninja Dude is, because the only way to increase suspense that the filmmakers could think of was to have him fight without a sword. And he still can easily wipe the floor with Ninja Dude's ass.

Now open wide. This won't hurt a bit...

Ninja Dude jumps up to an even higher level, and Sho follows. Ninja Dude tries attacking from a crevice in the mounatin, but Sho dodges. Kudos to this movie for actually using stealth as a weapon. No, the hot tub scene doesn't count! Now it's time for Sho to bring out the chain, or basically a poor man's nunchucks. He uses them exactly like nunchucks, but I must question how much impact the chain would actually have given that there is less momentum with every swing.

There is a brief moment when Billy tries to shoot Ninja Dude, but Christie stops him, because only a ninja can destroy a ninja, I guess. After Ninja Dude knocks the chain away, he tries to stab Sho in the face, but his sword gets knocked away, too, and lands near Christie and Billy. The former decides that if she uses a ninja weaopn, maybe some results will be seen, so she runs up with the sword and stabs Ninja Dude, who proceeds to continue to be not destroyed, and buries himself into the mountain.

Dammit, how do they do that squiggly finger thing?

As the camera earth begins to shake, Sho throws a grappling hook from his infinite ninja hyperspace onto a nearby tree. Because there's a tree in that one area. Good one, Sam. The ground opens up, and Sho gets pulled in, holding on to the hook rope for dear life. Well, not really; he's barely two feet off the ground, because Ninja Dude didn't really make that much mountain disappear. Yes, he would be kinda trapped in the hole, but he of all people should have no problem jumping right back out. Really, Ninja Dude's last ditch effort to "kill" Sho was kind of a dud.

He may be able to destroy a ninja, but he needs to work on his Macarena.

It turns out Ninja Dude is still alive, and he grabs on to Sho to face him again in the pit where Sam Firstenberg needed to change location due to potential lawsuits from the previous shooting. The shot goes back to the tree to try and increase tension, but really it just shows that Sam Firstenberg has no idea how grappling hooks work. Meanwhile, Billy and Christie's actors are paid to stand in front of the camera and look like they're worried that the tickets for the movie they wanted to see were sold out. Back in the pit, it's a whole lot of grunting and Sho kicking Ninja Dude in the face. Finally, Sho decides he has had enough and pulls out yet another weapon from his ninja infinite hyperspace (a knife this time), and STABS NINJA DUDE IN THE HEAD. See, only a ninja can really destroy a ninja.

At this point they could be replaced by department store mannequins.

So Sho climbs out and declares, "It's over now!" As he walks off, he turns and smiles and Billy and Christie. Look, see? Our leads are emotionally attached, even though they've been on screen with other for less than five minutes!

Let's take a look at the end credits. Sho's character's name is Yamada? Billy's last name is spelled "Secord"? Ninja Dude was credited as Black Ninja, even though Yamada was the one wearing black? In retrospect, I really should have checked the credits again before writing this damn thing. But who cares, the movie is over! Oh, James Hong's character's name was Miyashima! Good to know.

Now look up at mommy and say you're sorry!

So, was the movie good? Absolutely fucking not! Characters? What characters? Story? Incoherent and poorly built up. The directing and cinematography? I spent like two-thirds of these posts bitching about those! Did I enjoy it? As you probably figured out, I indeed did. The rather inept nature of the visuals lends itself well for some laughs, and it's hilarious to see Sho Kosugi putting his heart and soul into a movie with such a ridiculous concept. The guy's got screen presence, and is a decent martial artist, and to see his talents put to use provides for some nice entertainment as well. And of course, the scene with James Hong, full of delightful weirdness. In short, a healthy mix of inept fight scenes, decent ones, what-the-fuck moments and moments of pure awesome make this one worth watching. If you like movies about ninjas, movies about demons, or movies about demon ninjas, check it out.