Ninja III: The Domination of Cheapness

As most people would instantly tell you, there are a LOT of things that were wrong with the 80's. This is one of them. For one, this is the decade that was largely responsible for completely bastardizing the image of the ninja, long before Naruto made it cool. And that brings us to our subject, the Sam Firstenberg masterpiece that finally reveals the immortal truth that only a ninja can defeat a ninja.

Sam Firstenberg was a dominant force in the 80's independent film market, with his drama One More Chance gaining plenty of recognition at film festivals. Since then, he has been content with hopping on cultural bandwagons of the time period, with classic films like the American Ninja franchise, and the immortal Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. Truly this was a man born to carry the 80's.

But more importantly, this movie stars Sho Kosugi, pretty much THE go-to guy when someone wanted a ninja in his movie. Heck, he's so well-known for this type of role that he would be in the homage film Ninja Assassin years later. His other claim to fame is getting to fight Jean-Claude van Damme (as a ninja, obviously) in Black Eagle, and he would go on to become heavily involved in Japanese television in the 90's, including voice roles in Ultraman: The Ultimate Hero and even Ninja Sentai Kakuranger! I swear that last bit of trivia was just a coincidence; not everything I talk about is Super Sentai related! So much for getting readers other than people looking for fansubs of tokusatsu illegally uploaded online.

Yet another special cameo by the Paramount logo.

So the movie begins in a mountain in a dessert area, while The Cannon Group, Inc. appears on the screen. Ah, yes, The Cannon Group, the guys responsible for Spike's entire broadcast output. A car is driving quietly along as the cast is presented. Yes, the female lead's name is Lucinda Dickey. No, I'm not going to sink as low as to make a dick joke. Well, it may or may not be too late now.

The guy in the car gets out, and walks to the cave where every B-movie starts. Of course, it's awfully foggy at the entrance for some reason. I swear most B-list actors died due to second-hand smoke. Flashlight in hand, the man proceeds to walk SLOWLY down the stairs. I can just imagine the director telling the actor how long the opening credits are going to be, and to adjust accordingly. It's a hell of a lot more efficient than filming a big grand opening sequence.

Looks like Eegah needs an exorcism.

So it turns out that the man is looking for a mystical sword, mystical in that it looks like it was made of plastic. He opens a coffin or something to get to it. Well, the cave sure ain't the one from the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark. So, what is the legend surrounding this mystical sword? Where did get its awesome powers? How did this man hear of it? Why does it look like it's made of aluminum? Expect your questions to remain unanswered.

Japanese, motherfucker! Do you speak it?

Cut to a golf course, where the opening action scene takes place. It starts with a really fat guy getting into a golf cart with a hot girl. Wow, the ability to be overweight and still land dates with hot chicks involving driving around a golf course? Next time I'm asked what super power I'd like to have, I'd still say Super Breath, but that's a close second.

They're spending their honeymoon at a bowling alley.

So the man, now revealed to be a ninja, gears up, and stores the myriad of weapons and ninja stars in his... pockets, I guess. I'm surprised he doesn't accidentally puncture himself, but hey, maybe ninjas can access hyperspace. Considering the nature of this movie, anything's possible.

Man, sure could use some ninja pills for my back.

Back on the "golf course" (I'm actually fairly certain it's just a local park or something, given the lack of bright green spots, sand pits and inconveniently placed bodies of water), the ninja is sneaking around somewhat noisily for a man of his profession. He sees the fat guy driving up to the ball that he just hit, and he asks his servants to get it for him. The servants are wearing suits, too. Wow, what an interesting and rewarding white collar life these guys must lead. Unfortunately, the ninja picks up the golf ball before they can, and he magically turns the golf ball into a hollow sphere made of recycled egg shells... er, I mean, he totally crushes the golf ball. Because that's the way it goes.

The closest a ninja will ever get to a prom photo.

The guy tries hitting the ninja dude, saying "The hell you think you're doing, huh?" Because when you've just seen a guy CRUSH A GOLF BALL WITH HIS BARE FIST, you try and provoke him. Anyway, the ninja proceeds to run across the field (yeah, it's definitely not a golf course), sorta kinda pushing his arms and legs into one guy who gets in his way, who for some reason feels the sudden urge to fall backwards on his ass. Stunt work, what's that?

Aw, man, I knew I shouldn't have gotten the discount razor!

Ninja Dude throws a ninja star at the camera, and the shot immediately cuts to one of the servant guys clutching the ninja star at his chest with jelly on his hand. This is a popular trick in the world of Low-Budget Filmmaking. Expect to see it used a lot in the coming 90 minutes. But to top that off, the next guy has a gun. So Ninja Due blows a dart or something into the gun, which clogs it, causing the bullet to come out the other side when the gun is fired, injuring the guy's eye! Who needs to wait until Christmas to shoot his eye out?

He's now the Upper Class Security Guard of the Year.

After some more mooks rush him, Ninja Dude finally busts out the sword from the beginning, and proceeds to swing it around with the form and grace of a third grader in a school play about King Arthur. The sword must have the magical ability to cut people without actually touching them, because there's very few times when the blade actually makes contact with human flesh, but all the stuntmen fall down anyway. So he goes chasing after the fat guy in the golf cart, and he LIFTS IT WITH ONE ARM WHILE IT'S STILL DRIVING!!! The fat guy tells his girl to run, which she proceeds to do. After screaming and wailing for like five minutes, that is. Then she forgets that she's a female character in an 80's movie, and proceeds to actually make an effort to survive.

Tag, you're it!

Unfortunately for her, Ninja Dude is just too fast for her, and he runs up and basically touches her arm lightly with his sword, which is enough to get her to rub her arm like it itches. This sword is truly a marvel that I will never comprehend. Ninja Dude finishes the job by using the sword to scratch the girl's back for her, and she dies from sheer relief. The fat guy is quickly disposed of, too. Ah, and they were such a charming couple, too! But alas, Ninja Dude had legitimate motive to kill them. Oh wait, no he didn't!

He's bonded to the Blue Dino Gem!

Some reinforcements show up, this time looking like actual security guards. I'm betting the suited guys were the bodyguards, and the blue-collars are the bodyguards to the bodyguards. That's truly money well spent. Though considering the first bodyguards are dead, it's also money wasted. One of the bodyguards for the bodyguards makes a call, reporting that there's been a murder, in a voice that contains all the urgency of someone ordering a pizza. Fortunately, every cop in town is able to teleport, because after a single turn of the steering wheel, at least five police cars and motorcycles are on the field.

I heard that the filming of Caddyshack got a little out of hand...

Cut to more than a few shots of police cars driving and Ninja Dude running. Real exciting stuff. The real kicker comes in when Ninja Dude runs straight past two cops on motorcycles, and they don't even notice until it's way too late. I know ninjas are fast, but Ninja Dude doesn't have the weapon of fancy editing on his side, so it just makes the police look like incompetent dullards. Not that there aren't any other moments in this movie like that.

Sam Firstenberg still didn't get the whole "filming movies back-to-back" thing.

The car chase continues, showcasing further that the police in this movie need some better vehicles. Ninja Dude has been running at a fairly average speed for a human being, but the cars never catch up to him. And again, no fancy editing here, so there are rather long shots when the cars are clearly driving at Mitchell speeds. Finally, Ninja Dude leaps up onto the front car (woah, actual stuntwork!) and digs a sword into the roof, right after dodging a bullet fired essentially point blank. A policeman dies. Same old, same old.

*Yawn* Guess I'll go and die now.

The other old guy in the car (Alan Hale Jr.?) Ninja Dude kills by PUNCHING A HOLE IN THE ROOF, breaking his face in. Exactly how fragile are these police cars? The Blues Brothers could do some serious damage just by looking at these things. For the guys on motorcycles, this marks the return of the ninja stars. And then he swings a rope around a tree, swinging Tarzan style into the police car he was just on, kicking it into a lake (oh, so there are inconveniently placed bodies of water here). I'm starting to think that Ninja Dude may be a little hard to get rid of.

And the two cops who were just in the car disappeared for some reason...

Cue swinging to completely miss the next cop on a motorcycle, but he's sent sprawling into the water too, anyway. I see that ninja physics has never required physical contact to inflict force. A helicopter comes and calls more reinforcements, so that the body count can increas- er, I mean, so that the threat can be contained. Ninja Dude shimmies up a tree at a pace that is quite average, yet the helicopter never shoots at him or anything. Do the helicopter units not actually have guns? Because if so, I have sorely underestimated just how underfunded this police force is.

Still a better tree climber than Edward Cullen.

It doesn't really matter anyway, because through the power of jump cuts, Ninja Dude makes it to the top of the tree in due time, and lucky for him, his chasers have the vision range of a Hyrule soldier. On top of the tree, Ninja Dude jumps up and grabs the bottom of the helicopter, and proceeds to beat the crap out a guy on the side. The other reinforcements arrive, but are reluctant to hit the chopper. Which goes to show how crappy at stealth Ninja Dude is when they even know that he's on the chopper in the first place.

Just an average part of a ninja's workout routine.

Ninja Dude kills the pilot of the craft by wedging a ninja star in between his toes and kicking it at him. Which is cool and all, but fairly impractical. But then, the whole ninja thing is impractical to begin with. The pilot's partner responds to this immediately with "Don't worry, I'll get him!" Okay. I would think that the more natural reaction would be "Oh my god! I don't know how to fly this thing!" or "Oh my god! My partner and ally is fucking dead!" but this is an 80's extra, so he's not expected to be natural.

He died as he lived: looking like he needs a coffee.

The last guy in the air is quickly disposed of, and Ninja Dude leaps down into the water as well. The budget just didn't allow for the ancient myth of ninjas being able to walk on water to creep its way in. Next, we're treated to a long, LONG shot of the helicopter crashing onto the ground. After witnessing the helicopter exploding, one of the new guys shouts, "Get the paramedics in here!" NOW you decide some medical attention is needed? While you're at it, why not ask them to bring a LOT of body bags?

The helicopter is WELL out of bounds of the golf course.

In the next crowning moment of ninja awesomeness, one of the new arrivals spots a reed moving in the water. Seeing as it's clearly Ninja Dude, he prepares to shoot at it, but is surprised when the reed suddenly points in his direction, and a poison dart comes out into his neck! Ninja Dude may not be the greatest at stealth, but given how much this movie hates cops, he's pretty safe anyway.

All this is followed by Ninja Dude being cornered in a part of this area that I am definitely no longer going to give the luxury of deeming a golf course (with his clothes completely dry, naturally). What follows are a LOT of shots involving Ninja Dude throwing more stars, and jump cutting to cops clutching them to their chests, grunting and falling. But alas, Ninja Dude cannot keep up, as he is finally shot at repeatedly, but as he is a ninja, he can survive bullet round after bullet round, and the police just keep firing, not thinking that maybe they're not dealing with something that's exactly normal.

Homicide just makes me wanna dance!

So, yeah, some more fighting and firing ensue, and Ninja Dude get shot in another storm of bullets. This second shot of him getting showered will pop up frequently, so if you missed this unique and spectacular display of cinematography, atmosphere, and color, don't worry, you'll get to see at least five more times!

Even a ninja must take a moment to stretch his back.

After it seems like Ninja Dude's been shot down, an unfortunate cop closes in to check on him, only to have Ninja Dude get up and kick him as if nothing had happened. One only wishes Ninja Gaiden were this generous with lives. But either way, his return to form doesn't last long, as he continues to be showered with bullets. I wonder if one of the qualifications of police work in movies is to have a serious learning disability.

No, I didn't edit the above image or anything. Whatever gave you that idea?

Ninja Dude throws a bomb or something into the ground and promptly disappears in a cloud of smoke. The police are, naturally, dumbfounded, and generally seem to be indifferent to the pile of corpses left behind by Ninja Dude. Of course, these are movie cops, so they can easily be replaced by anyone who Sam Firstenberg pays enough. So after the cops leave, the camera zooms in, and it's revealed that in fact, Ninja Dude had buried himself in the dirt. So he's an Earthbender now?

That's a Bunker for sure.

After all of that excitement, we cut to Lucinda Dickey, working her shift as a telephone line operator, as we are treated to a ridiculously exciting scene of her climbing up a pole to a power line! It's so pulse-pounding, it even has a licensed 80's song playing in the background! Being an 80's movie, I'm fairly certain the lyrics are a allegory for sex. "I need to feed my appetite / Find me another" doesn't exactly contradict that, I must say.

When I snap my fingers, you will star in my crappy movie.

Dickey looks across into the distance, and we get a glamorous POV/establishing shot showing the barren, empty landscape of the town which she occupies. Any movie that can say "We filmed this in a total shithole" without a single line of dialogue is truly great. Anyway, before Dickey gets to work, she sees Ninja Dude on the ground, fatally wounded (you can tell because he's crawling). She has the power of jump cuts, too, because she's on the bottom in an instant. So that's not a ninja exclusive. Ninja Dude's threat level has gone down a bit.

Those bullets can really bring on the back pain.

Back on the ground, Dickey says, "Hey, are you alright? Do you need any help?" And proceeds to walk quite aways before anything happens. You know, usually it helps when you're NEAR the person you're addressing, lady. Finally, after an intense walking session, Dickey jumps at the sight of a rabbit (because they live in this sort of habitat, I guess). Ah, yes, the broad, open daylight in a deserted wasteland is the perfect atmosphere for a jump scare, complete with a soundtrack that loops the same cheesy three-note riff.

We need the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!

The actual scare comes when Ninja Dude, finally unmasked comes up to Dickey, and they mud wrestle in the most awkward way possible, making Ninja Dude's stuntman feel rather delightful. Dickey fends him off for a bit, and is about to run away, when Ninja Dude says something in Hollywood Japanese, drawing her back to him.So  Translated, what Ninja Dude said was, "Wait, come back or the plot won't happen, and you don't get your paycheck!"

There's a girl in this movie? Switch to "molest" mode!

So Dickey comes back, and grabs the hilt of Ninja Dude's sword. This followed by more Hollywood Japanese, and Dickey sees visions of a shot of ND being shot at and falling backwards. Again, expect this to recur a LOT. After this, Ninja Dude finally falls over and dies. Or does he? Well, we're like 15 minutes into the movie, so the answer is no. So yeah, more shots of cops shooting at the camera, and Dickey ends the shot wielding the Sword of Plastic Death.

The ninja uses this opportunity to show off his mad soccer skills.

Cut to the police station, where a hooker is being led to be interrogated. There's no point to this, it's just the establishing shot. I'm seriously betting that she was an actual hooker and Sam Firstenberg let her have a cameo as a favor after she did her job with him. Anyway, Lucinda is being questioned, and she seems to be under the impression that Ninja Dude died when she found him. Well, basically, he was, but even death can't stop a ninja for long. 

This is the scene that is supposed to establish Dickey's character as a tough woman, but Lucinda Dickey really cannot pull it off. I'm not saying she's weak or anything (she could probably kick my ass any day of the week), but when she delivers lines like "I'm not a paramedic for Christs sake!" she sounds as natural as a Hostess product. The interviewer exposits that Ninja Dude killed a large number of people, including "a very important scientist". So the golf player was a scientist? Did he invent a new type of golf ball that could easily be crushed in someone's fist?

Soon, the main male cop comes along and tells the interrogator to back off, being sure to express his cordial attitude by handing Lucinda a Coke. That's funny, thinking that this movie was actually sponsored by a major soft drink company. After being let go, the policeman immediately tries to hit on Dickey, and asking her out for things like coffee, whiskey, pizza, tacos, and finally candy, never quite realizing that her athletic figure was obtained by avoiding everything he just mentioned like the plague. Of course, he's no slouch in the pounds department, so he would misunderstand stuff like that.

And through all of this, he's still holding that Coke.

Lucinda looks at him funny, and the same shot of Ninja Dude falling backward plays again. In case you need an explanation, Dickey's been possessed by Ninja Dude, and seeing this asshole triggered a memory of being shot at. She dismisses these memories, and tries to leave, and the disgusting blob of a cop just doesn't give up. She tells him she doesn't go out with cops, and he responds with "Seacourt. Billy Seacourt." Yeah, you're not James Bond, he was masculine and likable.

Fall Ass Backward Shot Count: 2

Cut to Lucinda's house, preparing for an aerobics class. Well, actually, she's already prepared, she's just waiting for her roommate to finish while she plays the Bouncer arcade game in her house. Now a discontinued arcade game that never made any sales before the plug was pulled is something more appropriate for this movie's sponsorship. Anyway, Billy Seacourt calls her, and she basically tells him to fuck off. Seacourt really needs to take a lesson from Billy Cranston in how to not creep women out.

In case you were wondering how implausible the events of this movie are.

Lucinda's friend notices Ninja Dude's swords sitting on her desk, and inquires, finally revealing the character's name to be Christie. Good. I was really getting tired of referring to her as "Dickey". "Most people prefer guns!" Yeah, and those guys got slaughtered in the opening scene, so your point is moot. Christie just brushes off the question, and we cut to the aerobics class. Naturally, being an 80's movie, there's a cheesy song playing in the background and it's an EXTREME example of All Men Are Perverts. Including the viewers. Especially the viewers.

The only half of any actor in this movie anyone really needs to see.

And who should be in this mostly-female aerobics class but Billy Freakin' Seacourt! He's still going after Christie, even when surrounded by beautiful women! Be thankful, because by 80's standards, this is the equivalent of true love. Of course, Billy sucks at aerobics, even worse than that other Billy I mentioned earlier, and it's really funny watching this somewhat chubby guy try to keep up with people who are clearly dancers first and actresses second. In the words of Kimberly Hart, "This is not the way to meet girls."

God am I glad his legs don't have an especially close focus shot.

The "flirting" continues with Dickey calling out Seacourt on his behavior, with Seacourt replying, "I'm just a stubborn kind of guy." Too bad you weren't this stubborn in gym class back in high school. With his highly skewed perception of the world, Billy perceives this interaction as a proper lead-in to another attempt at asking Dickey out for coffee. She replies that coffee is bad for your health, and rejects him again. I have trouble believing that Seacourt has learned his lesson: Healthy, fit women don't go out with disgusting, slimy blobs with no concept of self-preservation. Get it through your head!

Cut to outside, where Christie sees some bullies hitting on a girl, because back in the 80's, men didn't exactly think the "sharing a girl among five of us gets kinda awkward" thing through. Christie buts in and tells them to let her go, looking and sounding bored out of her mind. Hilariously, the leader of this makeshift gang is a morbidly obese black guy wearing a headband. One of the guys comments that they "saved her for dessert." That quip would probably work if you had actually succeeded at attacking your main course earlier.

The most indifferent music video extra ever.

The subsequent attempt to... have Christie for dessert attracts a crowd, mostly of aerobics gals cheering Christe on, but as usual, no one has the audacity to actually help. If they all went up and did something, they could probably overwhelm these guys by sheer numbers. But then how else would we establish our heroine's new ninja powers? That and we need a group of guys to make Billy Seacourt look like a proper gentleman in comparison. So anyway, a fight scene ensues, consisting mainly of the disgusting rape guys overreacting to what are pretty clearly mildly soft punches and kicks from Christie.

He's on the way to Platform 9 and 3 Quarters.

While this is going on, the crowd is cheering Christie on, obviously having never had the luxury of witnessing decent stunt work. Seacourt is there, too, still thinking that risking pissing off Christie is not a bad idea. Of course, he's there to offer her a ride home, AND SHE ACCEPTS!!! If that fight failed to get you to suspend your disbelief, then this definitely will.

The Philadelphia equivalent of a cheer.

So the ride home goes about as well as you'd expect, with Christie rejecting Seacourt's advances with the conviction of a teenager giving candy to trick-or-treaters. Eventually, Billy snaps, telling her that he basically got her out of being arrested for assault (because, you know, 80's, women acting in self defense, double standards, etc.). He finally tells her that he likes being a cop, and if she doesn't like it, then to hell with her. Yeah, she doesn't reject you because you're a cop, buddy. It's because you're a greasy slimy idiot. She hasn't even mentioned that you'e a cop since that one scene! Get a clue! But the worst part is, Christie doesn't leave; she invites Seacourt for V8! Yes, she LIKES Billy! How did these fat 80's guys do it?

This is where Cameron's soul snaps like a Twix bar.

Cut to the movie's "erotic" scene, complete with wonderfully sexy lines like "I like your pajamas." and "That was quite a show you put on in your car." (Oh, God, I can't know that!) Seacourt looks like he's dead while Christie's jumping all over him. Man, this movie can't even get its exploitative elements right! But the absolute worst part comes with the actual V8 juice. Basically, Christie pours some muddy water over herself (like hell that's actually V8), and Billy laps it up like a dog. At the very least, its mercifully short, and nowhere near as nightmare inducing as the scene in Mitchell.

This is a strange way of checking for a pulse.

Cut to the two lovers in bed, completely still, with all the passion of a sixth grader in a school play. The odds that they did the deed before sleep being roughly -52%. Suddenly, the window bursts open, waking up Christie, at which point she notices that the fog machine in her closet is running. The sword in the closet starts levitating, while wobbling around slightly, kinda like it's being hung up by a string. She grabs the sword, and the camera fades back to the shot of Ninja Dude "dying". This somehow causes her to shake the sword violently, like someone using a joystick trying to make a plane hump the air in a flight simulator game. 

She somehow manages to turn off the fog machine in between jump cuts, before Seacourt wakes up to witness her holding the sword. Seacourt pretends to be impressed by the sheer beauty of the sword (no actor could pull it off convincingly), and asks Christie where she got it. She responds, "It's Japanese." Specifically, she got it in a Japanese dollar store. For half price.

Sam Firstenberg gets to lay claim to a Winona Rider cameo.

So, what will Christie do with the all powerful sword? Will Billy Seacourt make an attempt to be likable? How many more times will the Fall Ass Backward Shot be replayed? Since it's the 80's, the answers will probably be "Kill lots of people", "No", and "Many, many times". Tune in next time as a male ninja continues to dominate an innocent female dancer. Results may raise an eye or two.