100 Years After Part 2: Dancing with the Has-Beens

Naturally, Nobuta is the only one staring at the camera.

Last time: It's 100 years in the future, but no significant advancements have been made except for mechanical pets! The future Kyoryugers aren't dazzling and can't do splits, so they have no hope of defeating the Fashionista Bros. The new Paragon, Candelira, is still annoying and can't lead to save her life! The Love Touch remake has a 32% on Rotten Tomatoes and a 3.8 on IMDB! Okay, I made that last part up, but more importantly Luckiero is captured or something! But there is still hope, as the Kyoryugers discover their proper Ranger colors at almost exactly the same time, just as Candelira discovers some easily uncovered Beast Batteries! Can this uncanny streak of narrative convenience and luck continue long enough to bring the bad guys to their explosive deaths? Spoiler alert: Yes, it can.


So, back at the... wherever it is, Sneldo continues to drain sniveling from people, who happen to all be men. Because women are known for not having any personal problems in life, I guess. You'd think at least one of these guys would have the sense to stop sniveling, and try to take a stand, but this is Super Sentai, where the only time any civilians bother to stand up for themselves is when it can help the current Ranger team get spectacular victories against whatever monster they're currently facing. Naturally, Nobuta, Icchan, and Soujiro arrive in time to interrupt this process, using their all-knowing Instantly Know Where the Villian is sense that no Sentai hero is complete without. Candelira soon arrives with the new Beast Batteries, making it even more blatant how awfully convenient this entire chain of events really is. Things may have been a little more awkward had Candelira discovered those batteries a few hours later.

This how I imagine the audience reacted to the Kyoryuger stage shows.

So our heroes have morphed, and have been accepted by their dinosaur partners. So, just as a reminder, to be accepted by your partner, things you have to do include singing a song calling girls parasites, bowl a strike, or beat the crap out your elders in a sparring match. I'm starting to think that the dinosaurs just had a REALLY twisted sense of humor. At least in the show, the only criteria was to beat your partner in a fight, which was consistent and actually made sense. Just as things are looking bright, suddenly the Seasons Beating Team returns from... what, exactly? Were they just hanging out at the arcade or something while the Kyoryugers were off discovering their colors? They're never shown in the Deboss Lair, so where the hell were they?

So dazzling they introduced themselves in the background.

Anyway, the only reason they're even here is so Uppy can make his grand entrance with his golden bowling ball, which technically is still the property of whatever bowling alley he was at before, further contributing to his list of petty crimes. His move is to bowl strike using the Beatings Team as pins, causing me to wonder if civilian powers exist in this universe, too. If so, then is Icchan's power to mix up words to songs? Anyway, he tries to morph, but "something's not right", apparently. See, Uppy's ancestor Utchy was originally from the warring states period, but his body was possessed by Dogold until the present, when the Kyoryugers released him from Dogold's grasp. Because of this, his transformation device wasn't a gun, but a tiny bow on his wrist. That made sense. However, Uppy actually IS from the same generation as his fellow Kyoryugers, so his transformation device should be the same as theirs. But screw logic, we need to stick with the status quo! So he calls upon his dino pal Pteragordon to magically make a bow materialize on his wrist, and all is right with the world again. That was pretty pointless. Then again, look at what movie we're dealing with.

Even the warring states was merchandise-driven!

Following this is a REALLY (unintentionally) funny scene where Ami (oh yeah, I forgot, she's here, too) and Canelira open the cage that the civilians were trapped in and "save" them, even though SOUJIRO HAD CUT THE LOCK TO THE CAGE EARLIER!!! After witnessing this, I would think that the people of Earth are really not worth saving. Then again, most episodes of the show did that for me already. After saving Candelira from one of the Beating Team (I'm not bothering to remember their names), Ami remembers that her color is pink. So, being able to remember a color is the new criteria for being accepted by your dinosaur partner. I'm starting to really buy into Lord Ghaos' argument about generational decline. So Ami morphs too. Yay.

I just realized, that cage didn't have a toilet.

So, everyone is now in his/her proper Kyoryuger color (except Dai, for obvious and extremely self-esteem crippling reasons), and the Seasons Beating Team gets beaten up badly. So they really were there just to get their asses handed to them. Weak. Following this is a dumb in joke about Sneldo thinking that Uppy is "irritating", but he doesn't know why. That's a reference to Utchy's original rivalry with Dogold on the show. We get it, nothing is right with the world until the show is copied scene by scene! This is starting to sound like every sequel made in the 80's ever.

Now complete with a dazzling bright desktop background.

Next scene, our heroes follow the monsters out to the most uncluttered spot in the beach, so that there are no trees or whatnot to distract the viewer from the stunt show about to take place. Unfortunately, this turns out to be a trap, and to make matters worse, the regular Deboss members arrive with Luckiero in tow! Actually, Luckiero being captured doesn't really make things that much worse. Hell, the Deboss Legion must have realized this, too, because after they are done shooting at the Kyoryugers, causing them to demorph, they dump Luckiero back with them. So what was the point of capturing him to begin with?

That explosion missed us so badly it hurt!

Just as it seems Lord Ghaos is going to resurrect Lord Deboss, Athreban betrays him at the last second, saying that he is the "only true spawn" of Lord Deboss or something, and goes on with some mumbo-jumbo about how he mastered the ability to control time and made the memories of the Kyoryugers fade from the public's memory, and erased the memories of the Deboss Legion (can controlling time even make you do that?). And with that, Athreban takes all of the power of the Deboss members. Because their memories really needed to be wiped for that to happen. Technobabble, always a good way to extend the running time.

If you think this is ripe with Doctor Who reference fodder, you haven't seen Megaranger.

After absorbing all of the other villains' powers, Athreban says something about "being able to cross a century's worth of distance." Whatever that means. I'm holding that against Over-Time. Candelira mentions that the Lepidominant Lord was born here. No idea what that has to do with Athreban. Is this implying that Athreban is the Lepidominant Lord? I really don't care at this point. Anyway, Athreban makes himself grow big with the help of Luckiero's Nutritious Joyro (basically the Deboss equivalent of water). If there's one thing I can say in the show's favor, it actually bothered to explain how monsters grow after every suit battle, something that ToQger has neglected up to this point.

World conquest just isn't the same without Gatorade.

Athreban's plan is to travel 100 years to the past and awaken Lord Deboss earlier to change history. So why did he need all those guys before? Did he really need to absorb their powers to be able to do this? I swear, it's almost like the writers are making this story up on the spot as they go along or something. After creating a time hole portal thing, Dai runs up and jumps into the hole with Athreban, because according to him, "There's no time to think." This is obeying a classic rule in Super Sentai: whenever a red warrior does something stupid and impulsive, it invariably pays off in the end.

I really didn't need to see that.

In the portal thingy, Athreban manages to shake Dai off him, but Dai gets saved by Minityra, who turns red. Finally, Dai remembers his Ranger color, and is prepared to shoot down Athreban, but not before seeing the old Kyoryugers in sepia-tone glory. The old Kyoryugers do actually show up later, so I question the point of "reminding" us of what they looked like, especially because they are played by the same actors. Anyway, Dai shoots his Gaburevolver at Athreban, but he's too late, and he makes it through. So much for Dai succeeding at something.

And only five lucky children will find a golden gun.

So, it appears that Athreban can carry out his plan uninterrupted, but he's shot at by the original Zyudenryu of days past. Specifically, it's Gigant Bragioh and Plezuoh, who proceed to beat the shit out of Athreban. And while this is going on, the original Kyoryugers run up and GREET DAI WITHOUT ANY SHRED OF CONFUSION OR APPREHENSION WHATSOEVER. If this kind of logic applied in Harry Potter, so much of Prisoner of Azkaban could have been avoided. In addition, a reminder that Daigo and Amy got together in the end. Ugh.

100 years ago when the movie set wasn't covered by grass.

It turns out that the old heroes heard Dai from "the hole in space", so they were prepared for his arrival. After the rather unique experience of meeting his great-grandson who looks exactly like him and is the same age biologically, naturally Daigo's immediate reaction is to say that Dai is "pretty awesome, man!" Oh, and that he's brave. This, of course, prompts Dai to remember "the word that gives you the strength to go on when you're afraid, or the odds seem too much." Wow. Did a production of Zyuden Sentai Kyoryuger actually try to define what bravery is? That's a first. That was my main beef with the series: every new power-up and mech combination was referred to as "brave" horribly misusing the term. I don't think there was ever a single point when the heroes were ever legitimately afraid of a threat. You can't just tell us that something is "brave". Show the heores overcoming their fears. Show us their resilience! The fact that Dai was actually able to overcome his timidity makes him miles braver than either of his great-grandparents.

Being able to sleep at night after seeing this image is true bravery.

So the old Kyoryugers morph, which according to Daigo is "showing you our bravery." Ugh. There it is again. And right after I actually give this movie a compliment. Anyway, they hop into the Gigant Kyoryuzin, and destroy Athreban. They blast another time portal in the sky (because the writer was feeling really lazy that day) and send both Athreban and Dai through. You know, just killing Athreban here would guarantee victory rather than leaving it to your future selves to handle. Exactly what was the point of the whole exchange? Athreban didn't even accomplish anything!

Just posing for the Burger King ad.

So Dai's back, he knows his color, and he's brave now, meaning he gets all the cool powerups now. He goes on this huge schpiel about how being brave makes you face any enemy, and everyone else acts as if that word was in Latin or something. So all six warriors finally morph, complete with annoying dance sequences, and extended roll call. Same old, same old. The only thing Athreban has to say to this is "Curse you!" I'd expect Japan to be more colorful with its language, but since Over-Time works under the assumption that kids are going to watch their stuff, this is understandable.

Their great-grandkids are strongest and bravester.

Immediately following this is one of the most obnoxious moments in the movie for me. After Athreban revives the Seasons Beating Team and sends out some mooks, Candelira gets a spiritual message or something from Torin, telling her to "let them hear the Earth's true melody." I was NOT a big fan of the Earth's true melody thing, for pretty much the exact same reasons that I hate this show's treatment of the concept of bravey. Again, it's supposed to be a symbol of something greater, but it really amounts to nothing more than a power-up vehicle. It's pretty much THE reason the finale sucked so hard. You know how a theme song is often used in Power Rangers or any other tokusatsu show to complement the action, sort of like a power-up? Well, in Kyoryuger, this concept applies IN UNIVERSE. That's right, instead of just being there to get viewers' hearts pumping, the theme actually DOES have fighting-ability-enhancing capabilities. Yes, this means that the "Earth's true melody" being spoken of is the actual Kyoryuger theme song. I honestly wouldn't have a huge problem with this if the Earth's melody thing wasn't so built up. It's made out to be grand and majestic, and it turns out that Earth's ultimate melody is a pop song. That just doesn't sit right with me. I realize I'm probably harping on this too much, but I'm really curious as to why this couldn't just be a regular theme song power-up. It wouldn't seem so forced and cheesy that way.

Dammit, DW, stop changin the channel!

 It's time to look at the lyrics of the first verse of the song this time!

We are unbeatable superstars.

With our burning spirits fully charged.

Our hearts begin to pound!

This makes me wonder for how much longer Souji's heart is going to pound at 116 years old.

It's wonderful to make legends come true!

Yeah, it's wonderful to dress up as a headless swordsman and throw pumpkins at people you don't like. 

Don't let anyone silence your bravery.

I can't help but feel that this is something that Cypher Rage would spout in After Earth.

Always rise to the challenge!

Does anyone know where true strength lies?

Instead of searching the entire world,

Just look inside your heart!

Ironically, all this talk about heart is occurring while a music video for a pop song is being spliced into a fight scene. True strength lies in selling out and self-promotion!

And the rest of the lyrics are the refrain from before. 

And now he's a ventriloquist!

So the guys finally combine their weapons to form the Kentrospiker, and use a combination of it and Uppy's Thunderstorm Aftershock to destroy all the mooks. The Seasons Beating Team try to shoot their Depending-on-the-Writers lasers at the Kyoryugers, but the Kentrospiker deflects it, and Dai morphs into Kyoryu Red Carnival, his Super Mode form which can use the powers of the Zyudenryu in regular size. Cue curb stomp battle. Immediately after, Uppy is fighting Athreban, with him commenting that he "should have dealt with [Uppy] first." Why? What makes Uppy so special? Dai is the one who caused everything to go downhill and is the most powerful of all the Kyoryugers. He should have dealt with Dai first (and would have if not for Minityra). So anyway, the rest of the team joins in and they use the final beast battery for the final blow. This special battery basically makes the old Kyoryugers appear again, because why would we want to set the new team apart as their own entity?  The old team just gives some stupid "Let's do it!" pep talk, which is completely pointless, kind of like this entire movie. Anyway, FINALLY the final blown is struck with all 12 of the members in formation. At last! It's over! Not the movie, but the theme song power up sure is.

Athreban has new regret at being defeated by a congo line.

All this followed by a loud "This is brave!" from Dai. I think words like "cheesy" and "sappy" would work better. And a dumb joke in which Luckiero tries to use his Nutritious Joyro out of habit. Just to hammer in how useless the little shithead is. 

Back in 2014, the old Kyoryugers are musing that there will be evil in the future, but Daigo assures that there is nothing to worry about, because there's a new team there to handle threats. Yayoi Ulsahde, AKA Kyoryu Violet, tries to analyze Dai's appearance to try and find out who Daigo marries. Prompting yet another callback to an aspect of the show I despised. See, when Yayoi fist appeared, she was an actual character, with a somewhat timid but strong personality, and her small crush on Daigo was just a funny little side thing. Pretty much every one of her appearances after becoming Kyoryu Violet had her fangril-obsessing over Daigo, and once literally TRYING TO KILL A GIRL SHE SAW AS COMPETITION FOR A DATE WITH HIM!!! Yeah, she became pretty much the poster child for Flanderization, and she was one of the few characters I liked when she debuted.

Hangar Deck: Think Flaky and Superficial

This is followed by another rehash of an old running gag on the show (by running gag, I mean it happened twice). Souji comments that girls are scary (blame the writer for that, please), then thinks that he forgot something important. Suddenly, Rin bursts in, prompting him to realize that he had forgotten a date with her. Souji's defining trait (read: only real characteristic) in the show was his stoicism, which left him oblivious to Rin's obvious feelings for him. This invariably ended with Rin beating the crap out of Souji with her backpack. And she does here, too. Why do I get the feeling that watching Rin waiting for Souji to pick her up would be a more entertaining movie than this? At least Rin's anger would make for better viewing than Dai's stupid confidence issues.

And Souji gets a free back massage for his trouble.

Back in the future, all seems well, until Lord Ghaos, Sneldo, and Hoshigaron return out of the blue! So, Athreban really accomplished absolutely nothing. And their return is treated with as much dignity as I've come to expect. Specifically, with a dumb joke, weak slapstick, and the totally non-threatening promise to come back. Followed by a new resolve to fight them "bravely" when it happens. Ugh. Candelira adds to always fight with "100% bravery", which is kind of hilarious when juxtaposed with all those "always put in 110%" speeches you got from your gym teacher. When your bravery limit is reached, feel free to stop fighting! Candelira tries to snap her fingers, but fails, in yet another attempt at forced comedy. The last shot is of Torin's spirit snapping his fingers in her place (saying that it's "brave", of course. Jeez, get a thesaurus, people!) Followed by a really, REALLY lame remix of the Kyoryuger ending theme. And I didn't even like the original ending theme to begin with.

Turning off this movie with snap-switch technology!

So that was Zyuden Sentai Kyoryuger: 100 Years After! Was it good? No. Did I enjoy it? About as much as any episode of the show, which is not much. In the end, it really feels like this movie was just made to milk out the financial gains of the show. The villain's plot is nonsensical, and ultimately accomplishes nothing, the new Kyoryugers are unmemorable, and most of the humor is either forced or overly reliant on tired gags from the show. In the end, the only good thing I can really say came from this is that I realize I may have been a little harsh on ToQger. I am NOT a ToQger fan by any means, but I do like some of the characters, there are some fun episodes (as well as boring ones), and I do feel a sense of camaraderie among the title heroes, which is in stark contrast to Kyoryuger; the show constantly had to remind us that these guys were friends, but rarely ever actually showed them bonding. Overall, I hope ToQger can pick things up in its second half, and wash out the stain of this forgettable series.

Oh, and another good thing: at least there isn't much for Power Rangers Dino Charge to screw up next year!