Zyuden Sentai Kyoryuger: 100 Years After (People Stopped Caring)

I was originally going to make this post a super long one, but I've decided that since no one would be suicidal enough to read something that long (unless it's The Agony Booth), plus the fact that I need some actual content on here, I'm splitting it into two parts. Most recaps will probably be in multiple parts.

You're back! And no one missed you!

I can't stand Kyoryuger. I really can't. I know that it has its fans, and apparently it's one of the most financially successful seasons of Super Sentai in a while now, but if I were to introduce someone to this massive franchise, this is one of the last seasons that I'd use. Frankly, I think the characters are boring, the villains are ineffectual, and any chance of any sort of emotional impact that the series could have inflicted went down the drain almost instantly with lots of unfunny moments (with exceptions, of course), and inane asspulls on the writers' parts. I probably wouldn't be as pissed off if I hadn't already known that Super Sentai was capable of so much more, but I do know, and I'm very disappointed.

On that note, the wonderful, wonderful folks over at Over-Time just released their fansub of this direct-to-video spinoff movie, and being the unconditionally loyal fanboy that I am, graciously lent my free time to subject myself to the further adventures of the superhero team that I couldn't care less about. And I must say, wow. And not the happy, bubbly "Wow!" that Amy would sporadically shout in the show. I mean the shocked wow at the sheer knowledge that something this painfully annoying could exist. I may not be a big Kyoryuger fan, but nothing could have prepared me for this. I was wondering what my first real post should be, and then along came this "movie" (which is 51 minutes long, by the way, 50 minutes too long). And now you shall suffer with me, whoever was unfortunate enough to stumble on this page.

Coming soon to the J. Peterman catalog!

So the movie begins with a brief recap of the series, which basically amounts to "Boom! Boom! Blam! Boosh! Oh, and the Kyoryugers saved the world, too." This says volumes of how eventful the actual show was.

This was the most interesting thing that happened in the finale.
Seriously.

So we cut to the future, which is so CGI-ed this might as well have been an anime adaptation. Actually, the establishing shot of the city that we see is really some little shithead viewing it on his futuristic holographic device thingy. In fact, this shot was an artist's interpretation of what 2014 looked like. The boy remarks that artists these days have some wild imaginations. Yeah, about as wild as a lazy technical developer rushing out building designs as part of his assignment for a cheesy kids' show. Oh, wait.

Physics of the Impossibly Boring

So, as it turns out, the future really isn't that different, and the only real advances are that cell phones are holographic. That, and a few other changes that we'll get to shortly. Wow, this future sucks. It's almost as if this direct-to-video movie barely had a budget or something.

I should also mention, one of my least favorite aspects of the show dominates throughout all of this. See, the series was narrated by Shigeru Chiba, an actor known for being over-the-top and goofy. He went all out here, and the results are ear-piercing to say the least. He was also the original Kyoryu Violet, Doctor Ulshade, whose voice was supposedly used for the mech-calls of the season (the mechs in Kyoryuger were called Zyudenryu, but Over-Time seems to prefer Voltasaur). It's hard to get in on the action when your eardrums are bleeding from someone who sounds like a cheese-grater running through a garbage disposal. But anyway, moving on.

Suddenly, some holes appear in the sky, and a "familiar enemy" shows up again! Yeah, really. Complete with no buildup, no tension, no anything except an excuse to score $$$. It's the Deboth Legion, and they're back to continue their unexplained quest for human extinction! Yay! Who will save Japan now?

Good thing the Kyoryugers just finished their charity run!

So the Kyoryugers promptly shoot the Paramonsters (Kyoryuger's mooks), and attempt to transform. And here is another thing I can't stand about this show. Every time our heroes transform, they do a funky little dance set to an annoying theme tune, which takes up a few precious seconds of time that could be used to kick monster ass, but no, we can't be powerful unless we perform a few steps and twirl around! Since these powers are supposedly derived from actual dinosaurs, did the dinosaurs have to do this shit, too! No wonder they died out.

Anyway, the new team transforms into a bunch of random colors, and the fighting begins, set to the second verse of the Kyoryuger theme song, which I like by the way. Let's take a look at the lyrics (as interpreted by Over-Time)!

With unbending courage as tough as a diamond.

Time to knock the dinosaurs awake,

And make friends with them!

Um, wouldn't knocking the dinosaurs awake make them NOT want to be friends with you?

Like a slowly melting piece of ice

The time has now come

For the warriors of the mightiest lizards.

Huh? How the hell is that like a melting piece of ice? Japanese songs lyrics confuse me.

Everyone hesitates sometimes as they travel along.

No kidding, I'm hesitating to even watch this thing a second time.

But wanting to be stronger every day

Is the signpost to show the way!

So the signpost isn't leading to the Twilight Zone? That's disappointing.

Chomp-a-Chomp! Very mucho!

With the jaws that don't know how to hold back!

So, our heroes have no restraint when it comes to overeating? Is that a compliment?

Dash on now, Kyoryugers!

Hard as nails! Getting charged up!

Here's where you have to hang tough!

As opposed to say, Finland, where be as much of a pansy as you want!

Time to work together!

You shake with excitement every time you hear them call!

I really don't. This would make a fine passage in a chose-your-own-adventure story, though. Can you, the reader, learn to control your socially-degrading urges to squee every time you hear the call of a Zyudenchi? Turn to the right pages and you might!

Zyuden Sentai Vamola Kyoryuger!

Brave In!

Chomp-a-Chomp! Very mucho!

Today we're still going wild!

Come one, Kyoryugers!

This actually leads to some fridge humor, because while the song is playing, the Kyoryugers are getting their asses handed to them, so that last line could be interpreted as the singer expressing his disappointment at the incompetence of the team he's supposed to be sucking up to.

Kick some butt! Go nuts!

Take a bite out of your world!

Oh, so now we're encouraging insanity and genocide! Wonderful.

No one could ever stop you!

Like I said, the Kyoryugers aren't exactly winning this fight, making this line even funnier.

Behold and tremble as we roar.

Zyuden Sentai Vamola Kyoryuger!

Brave In!

So the fight concludes with the Kyoryugers shooting a bunch of Paramonsters, and one of them complaining about wanting a shower. As if Sentai heroes ever actually get dirty! No matter what these guys go through, their hair is just as fabulous as it was before!

Just give another 10 years, and you'll be popularly retro.

Even the monsters mention that just about everything about the last fight scene was wrong, and that these new guys are pathetic. Kyoryu Blue even asks "What was wrong, then?" To which one of the two MOTWs says, "Pretty much everything!" Ice Burn! And then the monster literally tells them to SIT DOWN so that he can chew them out. And the title screen flashes briefly here, too. I don't know, just go along with it.

It was just the explosions talking.

Their talk concludes with the monsters stating that they are "much flashier", and all four of them introduce themselves as Debo Itsspringtime, Debo Summertime, Debo Itsautumn, and Debo Itswinter. I blame Over-Time for the names. And I blame Toei for the monsters looking like they belong in a Happy Meal at McDonald's. One of the members of the Seasons Beatings Team (yes, they're called that) then says, "Dull heroes like you are no threat to us!" You know, one of the (many) things I didn't like about Kyoryuger was that it sporadically decided at one point to be a music-themed show. Now it's decided it wants a fashionista theme? Next, how powerful the Kyoryugers are will depend on nose size!

I'm not sure I like his definition of "flashy"...

Cue curb stomp battle. After it seems all hope is lost, suddenly, Kyoryu Blue's shield materializes out of nowhere (complete with Very Mucho! sound effect) and he fends them off. Narrative convenience really is the rubber monster's worst enemy.

The script chose us, didn't it?

The monsters respond by shooting their magical lasers at our heroes, only to be interrupted by the old members of the Deboss Legion. Because when they rule the world, they want everyone to know that they are De-boss.

Defeating the Kyoryugers with the power of the Care Bears.

It's our old pals Lord Chaos, Dogold, Aigaron, and... some other white dude! No, actually it's four new guys called Lord Ghaos, Sneldo, Hoshigaron, and Athreban. The former three just happen to look exactly like three of the recurring villains in the show. Why change their names all of sudden? Wouldn't it be more badass and threatening to have the original Deboss memers survive the whole scuffle 100 years ago? Oh, you had to reuse old costumes because V-Cinema projects have no budget whatsoever? I see.

Evil because of his giant Deboss pimples.

After trading some insults that most second-graders would snicker derisively at, Ghaos mentions that they have spent the last hundred years hiding in alternate dimensions (uh huh, yeah, sure), gathering their strength. And because the superhero team that stopped the Deboss Legion a century ago has degenerated into such a pathetic state, conquering the world will be easy this time! Aw, how cute, this movie thinks it has something to say about generational decline.

Talk to the hand!

Right before the Kyoryugers are about to be incinerated, the Zyudenryu Bragigas teleports them away. The Deboss Legion takes it well. No sarcasm, either, they're kinda just like, "Oh, they're gone. That's a shame."

Quick, to the Land of No Background!

Inside Bragigas, our heroes are trying to cope with the fact that they kinda suck at their jobs, with the help of their mentor, Candelira and her assistant, Luckiero. Originally, these two were members of the Deboss Legion, but reformed by the end of the series due largely to Candelira's fondness for Kyoryu Blue's crappy jokes. It actually made for some pretty decent episodes, but like everything else, her actual transformation was shoehorned into the god-awful finale. So now she's the mentor for the future Kyoryugers, taking original mentor Torin's place. Did I say mentor? I meant "Paragon", because the writers are under the delusion that these guys possess wisdom.

A "talk to the hand" and a "pull my finger" joke in one recap?
It's like they wanted me to tear it a new one!

Candelira is confused, because these guys are the great grandkids of the original Kyoryugers, and look an awful lot like them, too (gee, I wonder why). So, because these kids are directly related to the old team, naturally they should be able to brave in instantly, right? Right? Because it's well known that the Kyoryuger powers are hereditary! Wait, no it isn't! This is the first time genetics are brought up in relation to the ability to transform! Well, okay, to be fair, there was never actually any reason to bring this up in the show. I guess I'm just complaining because frankly, I find Candelira annoying. And she's still one of the "best" characters on the show. Says a lot, don't it?

It's too bad guys in 2014 didn't have the luxury of color photos.

Cut to a flashback sequence in which the heroes are first told that they're the descendants of the original Kyoryugers. This flashback starts NES game style, namely that the heroes are together for no real reason, and we just have to accept it. Don't these guys have jobs? Oh wait, this is Super Sentai, of course not. I find the number of packed boxes in Bragigas hilarious for some reason. It's like the director said one day, "Hey, wait, we can still shoot another movie in here!" and the production crew was like, "Aw man, we just finished packing! No way in hell are wee taking that shit back out again!"

Kurt Cobain's last thoughts.

The flashback reveals that the six warriors were given some random Beast Batteries which happened to be the only ones that Candelira could find. Yeah, their powers were battery-powered in the show. No complaints, really, just pointing that out. In the present, Luckiero points out that maybe just randomly giving out batteries like that was a bad idea. Candelira then rants about forgetting the color scheme of the original Kyoryugers, while everyone else decides that she is in fact, a dumbass who is a Paragon in name only. Soujiro leaves, saying "This is a load of crap!" I'm going to count that as an example of leaning on the fourth wall. Uppi and Icchan leave, believing that even without powers, they are still awesome. These two are my favorite future Kyoryugers for sure. Dai leaves too, because he's a pushover, and his sister (I think) Ami goes with him. Only Nobuta stays, because he happened to have gotten his actual color, Blue, which Candlira acknowledges due to her time with the original Kyoryu Blue, Nobuharu. Followed by the most hilariously deadpan facial expression, which is funny considering that Nobuto is the funny one.

No, you're supposed to have a staring contest with the cameraman AFTER he calls "Cut!"

Cut to another scene of Dai and Ami on a bridge (with a floating billboard OF THE FUTURE floating above it) discussing how much of a lamewad Dai really is. While talking, he mentions that Great-Grandpa and Great-Grandma were both Kyoryugers. Meaning yes, Daigo and Amy, the original Kyoryu Red and Kyoryu Pink, respectively, actually ended up together. This pisses me off because the two barely had any chemistry together, and again, their "romance" (if you can call it that) was shoehorned into the finale. Did I mention the finale of Kyoryuger sucked? Anyway, Ami tries to cheer up her brother (I assume they're siblings because she refers to her father to Dai as Dad, implying so) by trying to remember that word that makes people feel better when they're down. Just for shits and giggles, I imagine that it's a certain part of the female anatomy, even though I already know what that word is (the show pushed it endlessly). When Dai is walking away, a white version of Minityra (A smaller version of the red Zyudenryu Gabutyra), follows him, piquing his interest.

Big deal, Pokemon is probably on its 37th generation by now.

Meanwhile, at the Deboss Lair, the Deboss soldiers are... behaving their respective emotions. See, in the show, the soldiers' jobs consisted of gathering certain human emotions to awaken Lord Deboss (it doesn't make any more sense if you've seen the show). The emotion that each soldier was responsible for gathering was also their most defining trait. Originally, Candelira was supposed to collect happiness, which is why she has a smile permanently plastered on her face, and also contributed to her defecting from the Deboss Legion. Now, Sneldo is responsible for snivelling (wat), Hoshigaron for envy, and Athreban for regret. The main reason I couldn't stand the villains in the original show was because their single-minded devotion to their primary emotions basically robbed them of any chance for complexity or depth. They eventually got better, but for the most part they were pretty annoying, and it's not any better here. Either way, Ghaos somehow got his hands on some of Deboss' cells which survived the first conflict, and plans to resurrect him with human emotion. So basically, the plot is just a retread of the show. Lame.

Ahh! They're going to resurrect Master Belch from Earthbound!

Cut to a bowling alley, where Uppy bowls a strike. Apparently, in this future, professional bowling has seen a revival in which entering the field is considered lucrative, and all bowlers are ridiculously attractive and surrounded by fangirls. Icchan is a musician, who *GASP* plays an acoustic guitar! We don't actually hear him singing, but just the suggestion that no machinery or digital enhancement is involved in Icchan's music makes this future that much better. This is actually a pretty decent scene, in which Icchan and Uppy tell each other what they find so appealing about their respective career paths (although we all know that the fangirls are the best part for both).

An I'm telling you it's great here. Bowling scores are way up. Mini-golf scores are way down.

They decide that they should enjoy their lives, only be interrupted by a Gandalf cosplayer. Oh wait, no, that's Souji, the original Kyoryu Green. Apparently, in the future, life expectancy has increased dramatically, so he's now 116, and still really good hitting people with canes (well, it was a kendo-sword when he was younger, but still). He tells them to "look inside their hearts" if they want to be Kyoryugers, which apparently consists of being turned on by a certain color, as we'll see.

Apparently in the future, wigs have not improved.

Meanwhile, Luckiero wonders aloud what to do with the new Kyoryugers, despite them coming from a generation of slackers. In an amusing scene, he sees a trailer for Love-Be Ball Touchdown the Centurial Love Try 2114, an animated film that is a remake of his favorite manga, Love Touch. According to Luckiero, this is the seventh remake, and he expresses doubt that it will be as good as the original. So the writers do know not to beat a dead horse. This raises further questions of why this movie was even made to begin with.

And the internet has a new fandom.

Suddenly, a ticket to the movie flies out of nowhere, and Luckiero tries to take it, because he can't criticize without seeing, right? It's hilarious how much of an internet fanboy Luckiero is. Had he actually seen the movie, he'd be spending the next few year bitching about it on online forums. However, the ticket turns out to be a trap, and Luckiero is captured in a net by Hoshigaron (who he mistakes for Aigaron. A pitifully low budget does that to you.) 

Back with Dai, he is still looking for the white Minityra, when he is attacked by Athreban for containing regret for becoming a Kyoryuger. He gets pulverized.

He's about to regenerate into the Second Dai!

Cut to a bus for Feeling Better in 2114: The Campaign to Thaw Frozen Hearts Broken Hearts Bus Tour Presented by Deboss Tourism. Apparently this is the campaign run by the troll division of the Deboss Legion. Amazingly enough, Princess Anna is nowhere to be seen here, only a bunch of farts eager to talk about their crappy lives. Of course, it's actually Sneldo here ready to "sacrifice" these guys, complete with big-ass branching sword and everything.

Is it just me, or is everyone smiling in this screenshot?

Cut to Candelira, who has sensed the presence of the Deboss Legion with her Paragon Sense. In the show, whenever the Legion was up to no good, the Paragon would feel a windy sense or something, and it was never explained. It seems with every year, fewer and fewer Super Sentai tropes are given actual in-universe explanations. She's distressed, and yadda yadda yadda. Suddenly, Torin (or more specifically, Torin's epic voice) removes the photo of the old team, revealing the rest of the Beast Batteries underneath it. So the batteries were under the picture the whole time. Meaning that Candelira could have just as easily discovered them tripping on a banana peel. Can you say deus-ex machina?

And as an added bonus, they can touch the feather to became Cape Mario!

As Dai continues to get his regret drained from him (exactly how long was this going on? If what happened before was in real time, Dai had more regret than Spider-man in every incarnation combined.), he suddenly gets saved by the white Minityra. Yeah, he got saved by a tiny little dinosaur that got confused by a little boy for an action figure earlier. I said it before and I'll say it again, Dai is a pansy. Anyway, Athreban decides that he has plenty of regret, and teleports away using his magical powers that only seem to work when the script calls for the villains to make a dramatic exit. Obviously to make up for this he's going to suck up all the regret from everyone who sat through the Kyoryuger finale. If he did that, Lord Deboss would awaken twelve times as powerful as before.

After Kyoryuger, Torin became an attorney at law.

After this altercation, Minityra is pissed off at Dai because let's face it, the guy's a loser. Suddenly, the original Kyoryuger mentor Wise God Torin appears before Dai to chew him out. "Chew out" here meaning casually translating what Minityra is saying in a fairly matter-of-fact tone. It seems that Mini is "waiting for you [Dai] to awaken" or something, and the way for that to happen is for Dai to discover his Ranger color. Of course, all the new Kyoryugers are played by the same actors as the old ones, so anyone who's seen the show (AKA the only ones who would willingly watch this) know it's red. Because Minityra appears white to Dai, this is a sign that he lacks the one thing most important to a Kyoryuger. Again, the only people who would actually watch this movie already know that that thing is bravery. I'll get to my thoughts on that soon, believe me. And then Torin just leaves, only leaving behind a Beast Battery. Because even a hint would be too much to ask, I guess. It's been a while since the show ended, so I forgot what the battery left was called, but it activates Kyoryu Red's Carnival Mode, which allows him to use the Zyudenryu powers at normal size. It's kinda dumb.

On second thought, don't answer the first question...

Ami and Nobuta suddenly arrive on the scene, mentioning that the Deboss Legion is kidnapping people now. For some reason, Nobuta speaks in slang, like "I done found that" and "I bet y'all'll find it, too!" I don't think he's expressed these tendencies in the past. But anyway...

Meanwhile, Icchan is playing a song on the street (with no spectators, because extras for this scene would cost too much), with the lyrics "Parasite girl." Um... okay? I know Icchan's 2014 counterpart Ian was a womanizer, but he wasn't a misogynist. Then again, this could just be Over-Time's interpretation. And the next line is "And the bloody queen." This is starting to sound like a song from the latest boy band. Except there's only one boy, and he can actually play an instrument. Eventually, as he keeps singing, "Parasite girl" evolves into "Parasagun" (Ian's Zyudenryu partner), and "Bloody queen" just evolves into "black in". So, yeah, this is how Icchan discovers what his color and partner is. I imagine a similar result would have occurred if he had tried to simultaneously sing Paranoia and Back in Black.

I signed a contract for what, now?

Next, cut to a shot of Uppy bowling. Or rather, four of the same shot at four different angles of Uppy bowling. Because of all the moments we want to see multiple times in a Super Sentai movie, a walking metrosexual stereotype rolling a bowling ball takes the cake. He's all sad that he only knocked down eight pins, until he spots a gold ball in the dispenser. Uppy then proceeds to bowl a strike by pitching the ball so hard THAT THE BALL LEAVES A TRAIL OF FIRE BEHIND IT! If you're going to accidentally destroy public property, maybe discovering your proper Ranger color isn't all that it's cut out to be.

Uncle Uppy wants you!

Next, Soujiro is seen kicking his own ass in a kendo sparring session after realizing his Ranger color somehow (it's green). Yeah, it's actually him beating his great-grandpa, but again, they're played by the same person, so basically it's Souji vs. Souji. After losing the match, Souji says something about his memory being unclouded, and that some evil power was befouling it before. What? How? Never explained. Who needs an explanation when Soujiro gets a cool new weapon? Souji bequeaths Torin's old sword the Feather Edge onto his great-grandson, and tells him to end the source of villainy, adding that one day he will understand the true value of the sword. Indeed, when it comes to mook-killing, the sword's value is insurmountable. After this exchange is a brief note that Souji married his childhood friend Rin Katsuyama, the manager of his high school's kendo club. This would probably seem a little less pointless if Rin had appeared for more than two episodes in the series.

No, it's not that finger.

So now that the Kyoryugers have discovered their proper colors, will they succeed in ending the simultaneously new and old threat? Will Dai grow a pair? Will the Love Touch remake turn out to be good? The answers to all of these is yeah, probably. Except maybe the last one. This is basically just every episode of Kyoryuger ever except set in the future, so you bet your ass we'll have a "happy" ending.

Next time: The Kyoryugers vs. the Deboss in a deadly DDR competition!