Kamen Rider Taisen Part 2: A Soap Opera with Some Riders in It

I'd really like to announce "Now updated every Friday!" but that would imply actual commitment, and I could never do that. But what's a little white lie, anyway?

Now updated every Friday!

Last time: Some stuff happened to Kouta, a wild Takeshi Hongo appeared, there's a kid who can turn things inside out, potentially being able to kill people in ways too gruesome for Toei to consider acknowledging it, and there are scenes between Takumi Inui and Keisuke Jin that are Oscar-worthy. During all of this, strawberries are eaten and no worlds are destroyed. And now, the continuation.

It's Kamen Rider, where girls don't talk about serious things.

The next day, Mari takes Takumi shopping, but the stuff they bought immediately gets obliterated by Tiger Dude. Damn, I was hoping for at least a few more minutes away from the plot. And the first thing Tiger suggests is, "Take the girl hostage!" Because God forbid the villains come up with a plan OTHER than take a girl hostage! I swear, the writers think that's all women are good for half the time.

Henshin sequence brought to you by T-Mobile.

Anyway, Dr. Jin swoops in in classic Showa fashion to Mari's rescue, Deciding to not sit there and do nothing as usual, Takumi transforms into Kamen Rider Faiz. Needless to say, the mooks don't last much longer. Unfortunately, neither does my respect for Dr. Jin, as he transforms into Kamen Rider X, figthing Takumi because of his being a Heisei Rider. X proceeds to destroy Faiz, following with, "You're weak."

Which is where I bring everything to a screeching halt to rant about how much this scene pisses me off. What the fuck, Keisuke? This movie spent a considerable amount of time building Dr. Jin up as a father/mentor figure who helps out everyone unconditionally. Remember from his introductory scene that includes criminals. But the second he finds out that Takumi is a Heisei Rider, all of his advice is chucked out the window due to some petty antagonism. In short, Dr. Jin is saying that Heisei Riders are WORSE THAN CRIMINALS!!! What makes them so bad that you feel that you have to eliminate them, but muggers and thieves totally have the potential for redemption? Why do you try your best to help everyone, but when one's agenda differs slightly from yours, you have to kick his ass? This is worse than just petty quarreling. This is downright racism. Dr. Keisuke Jin, the man who we are supposed to look up to as a strong, capable mentor figure, is racist against the younger generation of Kamen Riders. You see what I mean when I say that this movie pisses all over the Showa Rider legacy?

SYMBOLISM!!!

Meanwhile, Tsukasa goes back to Shotaro, and asks him to investigate Shu, as he happens to be in Futo, where Shotaro refuses to leave. Tsukasa then pays a visit to a woman later revealed to be Shu's mom, who is looking at a picture of Shu and whispering his name repeatedly. It gets kinda creepy after the third time, actually.

Featuring Super Sentai and a cameo by Ganbare Robocon.

Suddenly, Shu has a flashback involving his mother, and he declares that he has to go. He's in Team Gaim's base with Kouta by the way, where Kouta spent all the previous time twiddling his thumbs and picking his nose, I guess. They go to Shu's house, where it is revealed that Shu is, in fact, dead. I am rather glad that M.Night Shyamalan would probably never see this movie in a million years.

Lucky for Tsukasa, Shu's family are the only people who go to lighthouses ever.

Shu reveals the full flashback that he had earlier: his mother had promised to take him to the lighthouse, but she suddenly had to move due to a job that she couldn't refuse (given to her by Marlon Brando). Due to her always breaking her promises because of work, Shu calls her a liar, tells her he hates her, and leaves. On a taxi, Shu's mom receives a selfie from Shu with him holding a sign that says, "I hate you" on it. Okay, now that's just plain cruel. Movie, do you want us to hate Shu or something? Because he hasn't done enough to be sympathetic enough to warrant this kind of move.

Basically every message Saban has ever gotten from Japan/

Shu says that he was only wanting to be a bit mean, and he planned to tell his mom that he didn't mean it when she got back. And just how long was this business trip supposed to be, exactly? Even a week is a long time for your self-esteem and overall well-being to deteriorate because of your son's shitty behavior. Basically, Shu is admitting that he's kind of a shithead.

The vending machine jammed my Twix!

 Since Shu died before he could apologize to his mother, he and Kouta deduce that the thing that he absolutely needed to do was to turn the message inside out so that it reads "I love you" instead. Seems logical to me. But before Shu can do that, he is interrupted by Fifteen, or as Shu calls him, "Dad." Fifteen reveals Badan's Mega Reversal Plan, which is to have Shu flip the entire Earth inside out, so that the land of the dead will come to the surface, and Shu will come back to life. Seems even more logical to me!

Clearly, the guy carrying the giant frickin' sword knows what's best for his child.

Shu does my job (actually, more of a hobby) for me and points out that reversing the Earth would kill his mother too, and that would be sad. Of course, Fifteen brushes off his qualms by saying that if Shu were alive again, mother would be overjoyed anyway. Yeah, overjoyed that Shu will still not have the opportunity to apologize to her. After transforming, Kouta tells Fifteen that he'll, "make Shu's wish come true." What, that he'll make up with mommy? Great, but that still wouldn't solve the whole Kamen Rider Fifteen thing.

After some fighting and Gaim trying to reason with Fifteen (unfortunately, toku stuntmen aren't that good with words), Kamen Rider Decade comes to the rescue, telling Shu that his mother is at the lighthouse. And exactly how did he leave her there? "Hey, I'll tell you what. You just wait right here, and in a few minutes, I'll get you your dead son so you two can make up. Sound good?"

Yeah, "somehow"...

On the way back to the lighthouse, Tsukasa and Shu are interrupted by General Jark, but Kamen Rider Black and Kamen Rider Black RX show up for yet another glorious Showa-style fight scene. This shouldn't make any sense, because Black and Black RX are both supposed to be Kotaro Minami, but thanks to the continuity salad that is Kamen Rider Decade, there are two Kotaros now. Thanks again, Tsukasa!

Michael Bay's version of a greeting.

However, after their victory, Black and RX both declare that they will defeat Tsukasa next, because they claim that the Heisei Riders were the ones who brought Badan to the surface in the first place, and so they must be destroyed. Yes, like just the other day, my mom forgot to preheat the oven and so I had to kill her. Geez, lighten up, Showa guys! It's not like you guys have never made a mistake, either!

When you say it that way, it sounds kinda... weird.

Anyway, Shotaro shows up and transforms into Kamen Rider Double to take on Black and RX, for the sake of protecting all in Futo, even a dead boy. During the ensuing fight, Kaito, as Kamen Rider Baron, joins him,and the two Showa Riders are dispatched of, but not before Kamen Rider Amazon and... some other Rider come to join. The power of joining a fight in the middle is always stronger.

More eyeliner?

After an incredibly important scene in which Badan declares that it needs more Rider Lock Seeds, we return to Tsukasa and Shu at the lighthouse, Tsukasa tells Shu to "clear up that misunderstanding", though I personally find it to be more a "dick move" than a "misunderstanding". However, on the way to the lighthouse, Fifteen interrupts again, making Gaim's earlier "I'll manage him somehow." entirely pointless. And I shouldn't even have to tell you at this point that a fight scene ensues. It's like the only scenes this movie knows how to do are scenes with people bickering about stuff and then beating each other up. It is here where it's revealed that Fifteen can transform into any of the Heisei Riders using the Rider Lock Seeds. That's... pretty cool, and they take advantage of the Heisei Riders' different abilities, even for a relatively short fight scene. It's too bad the Lock Seed Rider forms look kinda bulky and stupid, like pretty much all of Kamen Rider Gaim's designs in the first half.

All right, now who's the birthday kid?

Some annoying special-effect heavy form switching and one Kalish-splosion later, Fifteen busts out his "ultimate transformation", which is... a Gaim Lock Seed. That's it? What's so "ultimate" about Kamen Rider Gaim? And it's only Gaim's regular Orange form, too. Kouta had at least a few more powerful forms to upgrade too at this point, so I fail to see the ultimate quality in just turning into another version of Kamen Rider Gaim here.

Shortly after this exchange, the real Kamen Rider Gaim rides in, looking rather cool after comletely failing to manage Fifteen earlier (but it happened off screen, so I guess he can be cool about it). So now it's Gaim vs. Gaim. Pretty soon, Gaim does what he does best, and switches to the Kachidoki Arms. Yeah, Kouta basically never fights in his regular Gaim form anymore. It's kind of sad, really. And Fifteen actually decides to send some mooks after Kachidoki Gaim, even though it's painfully obvious they would all get mowed down. Why would he do that? Oh yeah, because the kids brought extra large popcorn to this movie.

Kachidoki Form has a DJ gun. All complaints are meaningless.

Eventually, Fifteen decides to actually fight Gaim, and the two eventually use their Gaim Au Lait attacks on each other at once, ending the fight in a draw. Ultimate transformation, huh? Shu yells at Kouta and Tsukasa to "protect everyone's futures!" as he is taken to Badan. This gives the two the resolve to... gather the rest of the Heisei Riders. Which they were going to do anyway.

Aw, they gave away the rest of the plot!

And so we have gotten to the point at the beginning of the movie, where all the Riders are kicking the crap out of each other. Meanwhile, as Badan is watching, General Schwarz of the Shadow Line from Ressha Sentai Toqger joins them as well. No buildup or anything, he just shows up is all like, "You guys need an extra hand? Cool." Which more or less describes Kamen Rider and Super Sentai's partnership. Schwarz calls upon his Sabliner to join the fight, but Kamen Rider Den-O is there on the DenLiner to have a train battle with it. It's as lame as it sounds.

And it's still less violent than Shining Time Station.

Basically, Kouta and Tsukasa don't have to do a damn thing, because all the Heisei Riders are already gathered at this location, fighting the Showa Riders. It's always nice to know that the plot of the movie has been progressing completely without the main characters' knowledge. That's one less thing for the writers to write their way around!

And now we have to deal with the ghosts that Walter Peck released!

Anyway, Kouta and Tsukasa find out that Badan has made their move, and their Mega Reversal Plan is about to be put in effect, now that they have Shu. Good job, Showa Riders. You could have prevented this by ACTUALLY DOING YOUR DAMN JOBS instead of shoving your petty superiority complexes on the Heisei Riders. And as for the Heisei Riders, what would gathering them have really accomplished? Badan has Shu, and there's nothing they do can reverse that.

Excellent, ten points for Gryffindor!

While the Badan leader guy talks about being reborn and shit, Shu continues to tell his father not to carry out the Mega Reversal Plan. It's fairly obvious how this subplot will end. As Kouta and Tsukasa become determined to end Badan's threat, Takumi joins them, having found his resolve to act for the "modest" dream of a dead boy. Yeah, wishing for everyone not to die is real modest. Oh, he meant making up with his mom? Never mind, then. And so, two previously unconnected subplots are brought together with Super Glue, but sorta rubbed against each other and loosely hanging out before the glue dries. Also, Takumi knows why the Showa Riders are being dicks. Another thing the writers don't have write around anymore.

The guy in charge of the camera focusing was feeling mischievous that day.

The Showa Riders are walking in a line now, which is admittedly badass. Kouta, Tsukasa, and Takumi are prepared to face them, and are joined by Kamen Riders OOO, Wizard, Kabuto, and Double, for no real reason other than to even out the numbers. The Showa Riders finally actually explain something and say that the Heisei Riders' attachment for their deceased loved ones created a path for Badan to make its move to the surface, which is a pretty bullshit explanation, and more importantly, casts off forming legitimate attachments with people as wrong somehow. 

So, because of the Heisei Rider's completely wrong and unnatural feelings of longing for their dead to come back, the Showa Riders feel the need to destroy them to destroy the path that they have created for Badan. Hwy, are you guys sure it's just the Heisei Riders who are responsible? Newsflash: Everyone misses the people in their lives who have passed on! Including you! Don't act like you're "above" such feelings because you're not, and pretending to be is preachy and pretentious!

In the off chance that someone from Imagination Station reads this, here's an error for you to correct.

What follows is the line that pisses me off the most. "In order to protect humanity's peace, one must have the resolve to cast aside their kindness!" What. The. Fuck. Cast aside their kindness? Showa Riders NEVER did that in their actual shows! They were unconditionally nice to everyone (who wasn't a scumbag, at least) and constantly put themselves in danger for others' sake! Why this sudden change in position? What happened to Keisuke Jin and his robber-treating nature?

The sun set early in disappointment.

So, all the Riders have made their barely-cameo appearances, and the climax of the film has been reached. And there's still like, 30 minutes left in the movie's runtime? How much fighting and padding and stuff can they squeeze into that half an hour? Will Shu tell his Mom that he loves her? Stay tuned next week and find out!