Kamen Rider Taisen Part 3: When You Wish Upon a Doomsday Machine

Last time: A boy acted like a jerk to his mother. His father acted like a jerk to his son. The writers acted like jerks to pretty much everybody. And there were explosions. Lots and lots of explosions. Moving on.

Shu's really starting to regret joining Willy Wonka in the glass elevator.

So the Mega Reversal Machine thingy activates, and the Riders hang their heads in shame because they are idiots. But not quite, because Ambassador Darkness finally reveals that he is really Ryo Murasame, AKA Kamen Rider ZX, who joined the forces of Badan to defeat its army from the inside.

And he looks like he's about to masturbate.

Ryo proceeds to use a Cross Shuriken to destroy the machine, only for it to be revealed that it was only a dummy, and that Fifteen had seen through Ryo's act. You know, instead of building a dummy, you could always have just, you know killed Ryo. Well, technically the Mega Reversal would revive him, but imprisonment is always an option, right?

Of course, it doesn't really matter because Ryo had gathered all the Rider Lock Seeds earlier to gather them up in one area and have them appear in a flashy intro sequence. That's really the only reason. I mean, the Riders were all gathered to begin with, and could have worked together from the start, but no, the Showa Riders had to convert into Lock Seeds for the sole purpose of jumping into the playing field from Helheim Forest. And for that matter, if ZX's original plan was to destroy the army of Badan and the Mega Reversal Machine by himself, why did he need all the Riders gathered anyway? He clearly didn't know that the machine was a dummy, and the plan would have gone fine without everyone else! Sure, they're needed now because the machine WAS a dummy, but why all the shit before? Didn't they test this plot before they released it?

Wow. Man of Steel, go back to your subtle Jesus imagery.

Of course, to save face, Kamen Rider Ichigo states that they totally knew everything from the beginning, but we all know at this point it's just the writers trying to cover up. It's not like Fifteen cares, anyway, because HE STILL HAS THE FRIGGIN' MACHINE THAT CAN DESTROY THE WORLD! Oops, forgot about that small detail, didn't you, Hongo?

Oh no, Billy's become bored with his Lego set!

Anyway, despite the fact that it's kind of already too late, there is a huge fight scene that ensues, with all the Riders finally working together. This is a reasonably fun fight, so no complaints in that field, though its impact is kind of dulled when it ultimately has no real impact, as the Mega Reversal Machine is still running.

Uh, I think you've revealed enough, thank you very much.

Eventually, the supreme leader of Badan's true form arises, and since it's a giant dinosaur skeleton, there is little the Riders (aside from J I guess) can do. After spitting some Curb Stomp Balls at our heroes, someone who I had hoped never to see again trudges along to help. It's Daigo, from Zyuden Sentai Kyoryuger! Again with no buildup or anything! This is why Super Sentai and Kamen Rider's partnership should only extend to airing back to back on Sunday mornings.

It turns out Earth's true melody was an opera number.

So yeah, Daigo morphs and sends out Gabutyra, who's still like half Badan Leader's size. You'd think a show that tried to hammer in themes of friendship so much would have Daigo accompanied by the rest of the Kyoryugers, but then Daigo always stole the spotlight from them anyway. While this is going on, Kamen Riders Wizard, Fourze, Double and Decade all gang up on Fifteen, who, in his Decade Arms, dispatches them. This leaves only him and Gaim left. Well, that was a barely a cameo from every other Rider who isn't Gaim, Decade, Faiz, or Double!

It's times like these he wished his transformation item was a headband instead.

So now it's down to just Gaim and Fifteen, who naturally switches to his Gaim arms,for another Gaim vs. Gaim showdown. Wow, for a movie that's supposed to celebrate the entire Kamen Rider franchise, it sure is putting a lot of emphasis on Gaim. Speaking of properly celebrating the franchise, while their little scuffle is going on, Cyberpunk Skull Guy gets his ass handed to him by... Kamen Riders Baron, Ryugen, and Zangetsu. All of who are from Kamen Rider Gaim. Dammit, movie!

'Sup, homie?

Meanwhile, as the spirits of the underworld are floating about, Faiz meets his old pal Masato Kusaka, who says that it is only natural that he lives again so that Takumi dies. Another good scene that brings back Takumi's conflict in a satisfactory manner, and so of course it barely receives any focus afterward/ Oh, also, Gabutyra's not doing so well against Badan Supreme Leader. Oh, no.

Tim Burton's wet dream is finally coming true.

So, naturally, who should show up but the ToQgers, another Sentai team that I don't particularly care for! It's sad that this movie is probably spending more time promoting its sister show than actually celebrating the franchise that its supposed to celebrate. Maybe that's why the Riders don't do their job properly in this movie: they're representing the writers.

When this screenshot was taken from a Kamen Rider movie, you know something's wrong.

And then another whole fight scene is spent with the ToQ-oh mech, which even with its combination sequence cut in length takes longer than any henshin sequence in this movie. Anyway, since this movie has no concept of focusing on one thing at a time, we cut back to the Gaim vs. Gaim battle, the entirety of which took place off screen in favor of the ToQgers. Kamen Rider Ichigo gives Gaim an Ichigo Lock Seed, which Gaim switches to. So now it's Ichigo vs. Gaim again. Huzzah.

His skill is to force piggy-back rides?

Shortly after the new transformation, on of he Showa Riders sensibly asks, "What about the Mega Reversal Machine?" So you finally realize that this entire fight scene, and the entire conflict with Fifteen was  pointless? So what about it? Decade just rides up to Shu on Kamen Rider Agito's motorcycle morphed into a scooter thing and rescues Shu. And this should deactivate the Machine, considering Shu is constantly mentioned as being the key ingredient to its functioning, but nothing really seems to happen. So Shu's presence (and the first hour or so of this movie) was pretty pointless, too.

See what happens when you over-inflate the world?

Meanwhile, X and Wizard are about to attack the machine, but Faiz stops them, because he figures that Masato coming back wouldn't be a bad thing. No, the bad thing would be Al Capone and Genghis Khan coming back to life, which according to this movie will happen. Of course, Dr. Jin punches some sense into Takumi, and Haruto Soma (Wizard) joins in as well, saying that if Takumi really falls into despair, he'll be his hope. Exactly what prompted this, I cannot say, but if that's all that Shunya Shiraisi was brought back for, the paycheck could not have been worth it.

Because you're kind of an asshole?

So Masato's spirit thing actually shows up and tries to force Takumi to die for him, which of course instantly leads Takumi to realize that Masato living again would really be a bad thing (though I suppose giving Kamen Rider Kaixa his own series wouldn't be so shabby), So all three transform, and Masato is magically defeated. At least Takumi got some actual development, as rushed as it was toward the end.

So X, Faiz, and Wizard Rider Kick their way into the machine and destroy it from the inside, restoring the world back to its original state. As the ToQ-oh is getting curb-stomped by Supreme Leader, Daigo tells Gabutyra to "show them his bravery." Again, you keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Because the ancient dinosaurs knew what trains were.

So Gabutyra turns into the Gabutrya Ressha for some reason, and together with the Den-Liner, combines with the ToQ-oh to form the ToQ-oh Kyoryuzin (with the Den-Liner as the legs, because why would a Kamen Rider movie feature Kamen Riders?) This is enough to overpower the Supreme Leader. That's Super Sentai, all right. When in doubt, switch mechs and your power increases tenfold.

In the winter, would this attack be called Brave Delayed Slash?

So FINALLY we get back to Gaim using Ichigo Arms vs. Fifteen using Gaim Arms. And Gaim's first line is, "The duel's decided!" Really? I sure would have liked to have atually SEEN it! While Gaim-chigo is wailing on Fif-Gaim, there are Veggie-Tales speeches spouted about how Fifteen isn't really acting like a father, how he's just running away from his own problem, yadda yadda yadda. Where the heck IS Shu, anyway? Maybe if Fifteen and Shu had actually interacted beyond acknowledging their relationship, I would actually give a shit about this. Anyway, Fif-Gaim is defeated, which I like to take as the movie admitting that the Showa Riders are way more badass than the Heisei Riders, even though I'm watching the Heisei version of this movie.

Turns out Shu wasn't dead, just really REALLY high.

Finally, Shu comes up to the scene with all of the Riders, telling the Riders to tell everyone that the future is bright. And just how do you expect the Riders to do that? "Everyone" seems too steep a requirement. Maybe just everyone in Futo? Either way, the more important thing is that Shu gets to change that picture from before. To do so, the Showa Riders use Rider Syndrome, a bullshit attack that the writers pulled out of their asses for the movie. Not that this is all that uncommon in crossover movies. No complaints, really, as long as we're closer to the end.

That's the face that screams, "Dad forced me to!"

So the picture is reversed, and Shu gets to visit Mommy, and the whole family shares a moment, which is... genuinely bittersweet, like the moment should be. Really, the whole Shu plotline wasn't especially bad to begin with, just seriously underdeveloped. Kind of like the whole Takumi and Dr, Jin thing, too. This should have been more than one movie.

And then he gets Youngblood's Disease before he can say goodbye to his son!
Fifteen just can't win.

So Shu is gone, his wish fulfilled. Unfortunately, a voice claims that the battle is far from over. That voice? Some random douchebag who's calling himself Takeshi Hongo for some reason. He's so much of a douche, he's one of those guys who thinks that wearing sunglasses for the sole purpose of taking them off slowly automatically makes him cool. If it was actually Hongo doing that, it would be, but whoever this guy is, he's clearly NOT Takeshi Hongo, so I can't justify the sunglasses thing.

Is it weird that the human looks more like an action figure than the Riders?

Not-Hongo states that even though the battle before was part of the plan to stop Badan, the sentiment was real. He adds that the Heisei Riders "false sense of kindness" was what got Badan to rise in the first place. Um, so what? Badan's gone, now! The Heisei Riders did their share to correct their (completely perceived) mistake, and you guys worked together splendidly to defeat them? You're still trying to inflict your pitifully narrow beliefs on them? Why did there even need to be a big concluding fight between the two eras of Riders shoved in the last five minutes anyway? Ugh, if a Showa era Rider actually saw this movie, I swear he'd file a lawsuit!

That's the meanest YMCA dance I've ever seen.

Not-Hongo transforms with am awfully convenient gust of wind (Hongo needed air pressure to run through his belt in order to transform). And so finally, they fight. And fight. And fight. It's just getting tiring by now. During the fight, they all somehow magically teleport to the rocky beach that every damn  Kamen Rider fight scene seems to take place in. In the middle, Narutaki shows up again for some reason, to comment that the original Kamen Rider is fighting the newest one. Woah, really? I never would have guessed! Truly you are essential to the franshise, Narutaki!

I just realized that LARPing with stuntmen would be the greatest thing ever.

And now comes the ending to this movie. Ichigo tries to Rider Kick Gaim, but Gaim takes the kick... in order to protect a flower. And the fight just ends here. Yeah. Ichigo decides that he has lost the fight because Gaim wanted to protect a flower. Look, I know nature is cool and everything, and that flowers are pretty and stuff, but WHAT MAKES A FLOWER MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR LOVED ONES! You just spent an entire movie bashing the Heisei Riders for their attachments to people (which everyone has, not just them), but when one risks his life for something as trivial as a flower, suddenly they're noble and caring? What is up with your morality? If you were like this in the original Kamen Rider, the world would have been screwed by now!

This image is so memetic, I feel trolled just looking at it.

And so the Showa Riders finally acknowledge the worth of the Heisei, they shake hands, and Dr. Jin decides to be fatherly again to Takumi. Whatever, that subplot went down the drain the second Dr. Jin transformed on Takumi. The Showa Riders' speech just reeks of hypocritical, as they go on about protecting the future and shit. Unless the future has lingering attachment for the dead, I guess. Again, this applies to everyone, unless they think all the Heisei Riders are necrophiliacs.

Narutaki doing important character things, like making perceived Gokaiger references.

So that was Heisei Rider vs. Showa Rider: Kamen Rider Taisen feat. Super Sentai. Was the movie good? Did I enjoy it? The answer to both these questions is... FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! You know how I stated at the beginning of this recap that I thought Kyoryuger: 100 Years After was worse? Well, I've changed my mind. Sure, 100 Years After may have bored the snot out of me, but that movie didn't destroy the characters they were portraying! That's mainly because there were barely any characters to ruin to begin with, but that's another story. 

This, on the other hand? What was up with the Showa Riders here? I've already ranted for an eternity on this, but that could never do justice to how angry I got at this movie. This is a movie that's supposed to celebrate Kamen Rider! So how the hell could you de-moralize and downgrade the Showa Riders so thoroughly? These aren't the heroes legions of children grew up watching and admiring! These are a bunch of pretentious, self-absorbed losers who nearly let the Earth get flipped around due to their inability to focus on their mission! And the Heisei Riders are the ones at fault? Since when? They tried their best, went out of their way to save the world, and ultimately it was they who destroyed the Mega Reversal Machine! This whole conflict was needless! 

Maybe if the Showa Riders had been brainwashed or something and the Heisei Riders had to reverse the process, I could have accepted that. It wouldn't have been a great plot by any means, but serviceable for a crossover movie. And more importantly, it doesn't destroy the legacy of the Showa Riders! In fact, showing the Showa Riders overcome brainwashing would strengthen the ideal of their heroism! 

The several subplots in this movie aren't really that bad, if not too spectacular. Obviously, the one that I have the mot animosity for is the Takumi and Keisuke one, because it started off so spectacularly, and degenerated so disgracefully. Had this been split into several different movies without the superfluous Heisei vs. Showa bullshit, some compelling things could have come out of the Takumi and Jin plot, but now we can only settle for X kicking Faiz off the roof of building and calling him weak.

Wow. I really had a lot of bile and vitriol to throw at this movie. There have certainly been worse movies out there, including in the tokusatsu genre, but Kamen Rider is special to me. And to utterly wreck those feelings is something that I can't hold back on.

Next week, I start a bigger project that will occupy me for some time.